Mary Ricksen new blog

Smile and Pray for Sharon Donovan

2012-01-03T18:42:00.000-05:00

I would like to ask everyone to pray for Sharon Donovan, author, heart patient, diabetic, and on her way to open heart surgery. They are going to remove the artificial heart and start her own healed heart. She needs prayer, vibes, whatever you send to the cosmos! She's very special...

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************

On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -
Miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

I promise to do better!

2011-07-06T18:49:00.000-04:00

I haven't blogged forever. I promise to do better. In the meantime here's a chuckle!

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.
=========

Be well friends and readers! More will come!

Psychics, do you believe?

2011-04-29T13:20:00.000-04:00

No fancy pictures today because I am gonna tell you about my psychic experience!
I had a reading. The very first thing she said is that she saw money all around me. Where????
She did say that my second book was fantastic, Hmmm, I was gonna make a lot and sell it very soon.
Please!!!
But what was most interesting was the spirits she saw around me. She picked up on my grandmother and she told me a few things. She said my grannie was squeezing my cheeks and doing the Woo, Woo, that the last pope used to do. Well I'll tell you I got the chills. Cause she always did that.
She told me my aunt was there, the great cook. The one who taught me how to. Wow!!
That there was a baby girl there with them and she is happy. Now I never had any children so this one tripped me up. Until I got the chills when my sister yelled, "It's Lauren!!" The daughter she lost at birth. Freaky eh?
She talked about land I had near Maggie Valley in NC. The reason we have had so much trouble is that the place is haunted by angry spirits!!! That I will sell it and move somewhere else, the spirits would never allow us to be happy, just like the people that live there now. And let me tell you they all fight!!
Over nonsense!

But the thing that touched me the most was when she talked about my father. She got him right off, the force of his personality set her back. She told me he was sorry. Now, many times in my life I have tried to get my father to say that. He never would. She said he was abusive, but that he wanted me to know that was all he knew. She said he loved me and that he wished he'd acted differently. What hit me like a rock was when she said he was proud of me. Very. That would be a first if it were true. He was a rough taskmaster and his idea of respect was if you were afraid of him. But for the first time in my life. I heard those words. And I hope in my heart that they are true words. Cause then I could go on and forget the bad things. So what do you think, is she for real? What do you all think. Do you believe???

I'll be back soon!

2011-02-27T18:52:00.000-05:00

I'll be draggin' myself back soon! In the meantime!

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
>
> Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One
> night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
> She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
>
> The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.'
> She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or
> down?
>
> The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
> to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get
> that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and
> help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
> TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
>
> Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
> March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn't it?”
>
> “No,” the second man replied, “it's Thursday.”
>
> And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let's have a beer.”
>
>
> TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
>
> A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing
> home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and
> say“Supersex.”
>
> She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown
> at him, she said, “Supersex.”
>
> He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I'll take
> the soup.”
> TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
>
> Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
>
> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
> years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
> Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
> week to play cards.
>
> One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
> said, “Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long
> time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
> but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
>
> Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she just stared
> and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
>
> TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
>
> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
> rang.
> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning
> him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
> wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!”
>
> “Heck,” said Herman, “It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
> them!”
> TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
>
> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely
> see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
> intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
>
> The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing
> it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a
> few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was
> red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat
> was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned
> that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
> At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they
> went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and
> said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights
> in a row? You could have killed us both!”
>
> Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving?”

Sharon Donovan Rocks The Publishing World with 'Her Biggest Fan'

2010-09-23T23:26:00.000-04:00

My good friend Sharon Donovan is not able to promote her new release, 'Her Biggest Fan', is released today. Sharon cannot promote her book due to illness and I want the world to know how wonderful a story she has created. I say created, because her mind just amazes me, she can do it all! Well let her book speak for itself!

HER BIGGEST FAN - release date 24th September 2010

From the shadows of the woods, he keeps vigil. The stage is set to drive the pretty little princess insane. He’s coming for her. And when he catches her, he’ll pounce on her like the big bad wolf.
After receiving a disturbing fan letter, New York Times best-selling author Tess Kincaid flees to the New England home she’s inherited following her father’s death. The manor has been tainted, every room staged to resemble the way it was in its glory days. However when Tess calls the police, the chilling props vanish into thin air.
Ruggedly handsome Sheriff Mike Andretti is called to investigate the reported burning candles, dancing gargoyles and otherworldly events. When he discovers no trace of the eerie setting, he finds himself caught between duty and desire. Is the woman with the bewitching green eyes delusional or is this a trap of twisted wit set by a demented fan?
(Pages 278) Sensual
ISBN: 1-60154-813-3
Excerpt:

Cool air drifted out of the ballroom, carrying the scent of burning candles and cigarettes. Music floated through the corridor, the seductive undertone hauntingly familiar. The music was hypnotic, mesmerizing. Tess could barely think over the loud beat of her heart.
Every sense screamed to beware. She was about to come face-to-face with her stalker, her biggest fan. But over the hammering of her heart and accelerated senses, her will to put an end to this deadly game prevailed. She had to face him, find out who was behind this bizarre masquerade. Anticipation mounting, she made the turn at the end of the corridor and came to a riveting halt.
A female wax gargoyle stood in the doorway, long blonde hair billowing in the breeze. Her glass eyes shimmered with madness, an eerie smile on her face. In one hand, she held a mission bell, the other reaching out for a candle.
Music played from the old phonograph, the plucking of guitar strings laced with seduction. A breeze blew in through open terrace doors, stirring the sweet scent of jasmine from the candelabras.
Two wax nymphs stood at the bar, glass eyes shining bright in the candlelight, pliable fingers wrapped around flutes of pink champagne. Lit cigarettes burned in ashtrays. From behind the bar, a winged monster served drinks.
In the center of the ballroom, two gargoyles held a pose as if they were dancing, their waxy bodies closely pressed together, their reflections glowing in the mirrored ceiling. From the old phonograph in the corner, the hypnotic music played.
Tess gasped, her hand clasping her mouth. “Oh, my God!”
Mike raised his gun, circled the room. “Come out with your hands up. Hancock County Sheriff. Put your hands where I can see them.
http://www.thewildrosepress.com/her-biggest-fan-p4234.html?zenid=f3c41bab65e544378926cef26195f5e8

Sharon's book is well worth reading. I can't stand the suspense!
Get better and sell a million!
Love you Sharon!!!

Friends do that you know!

Where the Heck Have I Been!

2010-09-17T14:53:00.000-04:00

Going crazy trying to keep up with all my family problems!

If you haven't tried this. Just try it.

It is from an orthopedic surgeon............ This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!

1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so. Send it to your buddies to frustrate them too.

Darn cool huh!!

Gentle Thoughts for Today and any day)-

Birds of a feather flock together . . . ..and then shit on your car .

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you
Haven't met everybody

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . ... .. . . . AMEN!

You need a laugh

2010-08-13T18:47:00.000-04:00

Funny Comments

A guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an
hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his
drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a
menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?"

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I
didn 't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found
my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in
the cab I took home. "He continues crying even harder. "Then I found
my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this
bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then
you show up and drink the damn poison."

Funny Comments

Is your brain working today!!

How much this means to me!

2010-07-17T15:59:00.001-04:00

I have been so bad about coming up with new blogs. Well there is a reason for that. I have not been well, in the hospital. Hospital should be avoided at all costs. Nurses in the hospital were awful and attitudey because they feel overworked. One nurse told me not to bother her.
Which leads me to think. Why did she become a nurse and she should go get an office job.
But, it's over and I hope not to repeat it any time soon.

Writing has become my world. I worked for 34 yrs as a nurse in an office. I retired and found myself bored to death. I always wrote but usually threw away the attempts. Never thought I was good enough.
But I got serious and finally completed my first book. At least I thought I had.

I joined my local chapter and the RWA, (which has done nothing for me), and I went to my first meeting.
The then president of the chapter dragged my butt in there kicking and afraid.
But to my amazement all I saw was nice people, they do exist! I was floored. They welcomed me and made me feel like an important part of a group, something I never have experienced in my whole life. Nice people! Wow, the world is not just filled with nasty, snotty, McDonalds employees. There was more than a rude neighbors, rude drivers and angry people. In the Florida Romance Writers I found real people who care about others. - Below change the word to write!

I finished my many rewrites using the tools they taught me. And I got a contract! Holy moley!!
I have made so many friends, met so many good people and learned a lot in the process. My chapter is the best there is. They care about each other. They support each other.

One of the member works tirelessly to help other authors sell their books at the wonderful signings she arranges, and she has yet to sell a book.. But I know she will.
There are some well known and well published authors and yes, they are nice too. Not snobby and conceited. Can you believe it?
To sum it up I have such great feelings and affection for this group. I am so happy to have found my niche. And I feel proud and smile when I look at my book.
Thanks all FRW gang. You guys rock, you are my favorite people in the whole world. You know who you are. I can't mention all the names, there are too many of them. But I love you all to pieces. Thanks for being who you are. Thanks for caring about me. You guys are the best!!!

Special love goes to my fellow bloggers at The Pink Fuzzy Slipper Writers and my best buddies forever at the Author Roast and Toast Blog.

Love you guys!!!!

If I Could Have Any Man I Wanted!

2010-06-11T14:33:00.008-04:00

Yes a difficult choice isn't it?

Have a great day and enjoy the hot hero type!

Now tell me who doesn't love a hot cowboy in your latest read?

Or any outdoorsey type of hunk?

Maybe he's like the guy next door?

He could be in law enforcement...

Or the bad boy we all were attracted to at one time or another,

A very hot looking actor?

Any one of many guys to make a good day dream.
But my personal favorite is......

Josh Halloway is mighty fine looking for a hero type.

Ah yes, Gerard Butler, a very good looking guy. Yes, he'd make a great Jamie. What do you think? I can't choose between the two of them so which one should I choose?


In my dreams huh??

Why I Can't Wait Till January!! A Cruise!

2010-06-06T22:53:00.001-04:00

Yes, I am going on a four day cruise. I belong to the greatest local chapter of Romance Writers, The Florida Romance Writers, every year they have a fantastic conference called the Muse cruise. It is scheduled for January 20-24. I can't wait! I'm gonna buy my bonnine, just in case. I am not wearing any bikini so no expense there.

I am gonna watch the hot guys show off, I am gonna read all those stories I have put off reading. I'm getting there guys!

Not much of a dancer so I won't need the dancing shoes or the dress, but I don't mind watching!

Good walking shoes, some new clothes, my portable sound machine, (so if it's noisy I can fall asleep to the sound of a waterfall, rain, or maybe waves breaking on the shoreline), I have so many things to think about.

Heck I don't have a suitcase that wouldn't embarrass me. I live with someone who never replaces a thing if it still works. I'm still hearing about his washer, (got attached to it after working on it so many darn times), and how I got rid of it.

My new washer.

Now it had to be 20, I know that's young for an item to be trashed from this house, so come on, it had to go!

Anyways, I will probably only take this cruise once. I will have to beg, borrow and steal to get on, but I am getting on I say! Even if it never happens again, it will happen this once. I am hoping that other writers I know are going. But I am thrilled to be rooming with Sharon Donovan, one of my fellow Author Roast And Toast hostess's. I can't believe it!
Cool huh?

Some new clothes will be necessary. Hmmmm. I can go to the Keys anytime, and I don't want to go to Mexico. So I can sit on the balcony and inhale salt spray, or do one of the many things there are to do!
I won't really gamble, I hate to lose, but I love to be with friends and watch them sing karaoke whilst I sip a virgin strawberry daiquiri and laugh at tipsy people having fun!

Yes, I am looking forward to it and I'll talk about it more later!!! I will need to bring lots of books and my laptop. Maybe I'll get inspired or learn something new? Maybe I'll take a workshop that will improve my writing and I'll be famous. Maybe I'll meet an editor who wants a story from me right away. Maybe I'll just have a good time and a lot of laughs and that...
That will be more then enough!
Sign up now go to the Florida Romance Writers website, and look for conference cruise!!! The Cruise With Your Muze, yeah!!!

Thoughts For A Long Weekend and Happy Memorial Day Everyone!

2010-05-28T15:15:00.000-04:00

Have a great weekend and here's some thoughts for us to consider.

Words to live by
1.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2.
Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3.
No one is listening until you fart.

4.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away
and you have their shoes.

8.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10.
If you lend someone 20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

13.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14.
Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16.
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19.
We are born naked, wet and hungry, get slapped on our arse ... then things just keep getting worse.

20.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Enjoy the eye candy.

Sharon Donovan and Mask of the Betrayer

2010-05-02T15:45:00.004-04:00

MASK OF THE BETRAYER

Sharon Donovan

AVAILABLE NOW!

Whimsical Publications, LLC

Fiction-Psychological thriller/suspense Whimsical Publications, LLC/paperback 282 pages April 2010 $13.95
ISBN-13: 978-1-936167-06-7

When the whispers in the night, the whispers of her lover, are the whispers of a killer, will Margot escape before she becomes the next victim? Deep in the foothills of Red Rock Canyon, a serial killer stalks. He leaves his signature—a skull mask on the corpse. But when the homicide cop realizes the crimes are the reenactment of a case never solved ten years ago--all fingers point to Michael DeVeccio. And when Margot realizes she is married to the killer, her life becomes a living nightmare. Suspecting her affair with Carlos, he had surveillance equipment installed all over the mansion. Once he showed her the very graphic video of her and his uncle going at it in the satin-lined coffin, he’d used it to his advantage. Michael suspected his uncle knew more about his parents’ accident than he’d let on, but couldn’t prove a thing. Desperate to uncover the truth, Michael blackmailed Candace into getting Carlos to confess on tape. If she failed, she’d be killed. Stuck between a rock and a hard spot, Candace had done things to the old coot that disgusted even her. But those things had made the old man sing like a canary and the taped confession had saved her life. After her mission was a done deal, Michael kicked her out of Vegas and told her if she ever returned, he would rip her lungs out. Reaching Carlos DeVeccio’s bedroom, she got a little thrill as old memories surfaced. Just a few more seconds and she’d fall into the arms of her lover. She smiled to herself. She had returned to Vegas for a reason. She was flat broke. But after tonight, Michael would be her ticket back into the world of luxury. Then she’d be mistress of the manor once more. And more to the point, she’d have access to his billion dollar bank roll. With a devious smile, she pushed her way through the heavy mahogany door. Crossing the threshold, she entered the house of horrors. Carlos DeVeccio had been a real nut, one straight out of the books. But with her fetish for face masks, she loved his collection and had often come into his wing just to admire them. What a thrill it had been to have sex in the coffin, howling along with the werewolf. Some might think it a bit kinky, but they didn’t know what they were missing. Calling out to her lover, her pulse quickened a beat. “Michael? Are you here yet, darling?” That’s when she heard it, manic laughter from the final circle of hell. A slither of fear trickled down her spine, releasing a wild rush of adrenaline. Carlos? She thought about the death of Lacy Diamond. Two Ninja assassinations were no coincidence. Sensing danger, she felt for her sword. It was gone. Panic soared through her. Where the hell was it? The laughter got louder and louder, moving in closer and closer. It seemed to be bouncing off the walls. She couldn’t tell from which direction it was coming. Just then, the bell in the tower gonged, thundering off the walls like canon balls. Instinctively,she covered her ears with her hands. Where the hell was Michael? Evil eyes from the face masks followed her every move. She had to escape this hell before it was too late. She couldn’t think over the gonging of the bell. Every few seconds, the werewolf howled at the moon. She screamed, even though she knew no one would ever hear her. Floundering in wild disarray, disoriented by the darkness and relentless gonging, she searched in vain for the door. Her arms swam in mid-air, like a person drowning, desperate for an anchor, something to hold onto. She reached out and grabbed at nothing. She had to find a way out of this mausoleum of the living dead before it was too late. Where the hell was Michael? The laughter got closer. Perspiration drenched her skin. The chilling laughter echoed in her ears, louder and louder, closer and closer. The bell in the bell tower broke through the thin filament of sanity she had left. The werewolf open his mouth and howled at the moon. Where was Michael? He’d know what to do. He was a master swordsman. His fencing skills were extraordinary. He could wield a Ninja star with his eyes closed and hit the mark. Where was he? Blood thundered in her ears, but not loud enough to block out the manic laughter. It was close but she couldn’t see a thing. She wished she had her sword. She turned to run; it was too late. She heard a distinct click. The killer had just depressed the button on her Zorro sword, releasing the thirty-seven inch blade. His psychotic laughter reached an ear-splitting crescendo just as the bell in the tower gonged out its last chime. From the dark shadows, Valentino pounced, her Zorro sword gleaming in the moonlight. “Surprise!” he thrust the sword into her heart. “I promised to make you scream, darling Candace. Let me hear you scream.”

BUY LINK:

http://www.whimsicalpublications.com/sharon_donovan/mask_of_the_betrayer.html

print and ebook once it's available:

http://www.whimsicalpublications.com/books.html

Daddy Loves Everything About His Little Girl!

2010-04-23T16:53:00.000-04:00

Can you see three animals in this picture?

Hi everyone, j
just wanted to make you laugh and remember when your kids were this young.
I laughed at this one. I could just as easily done it. And yes, ugh!
But daddy loves his little girl and he never woulda thought it!

This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I guess that means all of us!!

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a

wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' ,

and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed

staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'

If that ain't unconditional love, I don't know what is!
Hope you laughed. That's the idea.

I couldn't resist.

I wish you all have your dreams come true and you are able to smile through what it takes to get there!

Rules to Live By

2010-04-10T20:48:00.000-04:00

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Yes, I Love Funny Stories! And This Is Funny!

2010-04-03T21:21:00.000-04:00

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace... The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

My New Outlook On Life

2010-03-17T23:27:00.000-04:00

The first thing you have to do is remove all negativity from your mind. Yep, every bit of it. Even if it ain't yours let it go!

Avoid things that confuse you.

Share good fortune with your friends.

Heed the warning signs.

Be courageous and don't be afraid to try new things.

Enjoy your friends.

Be kind and life will be kind to you.

Remember, you make your own happiness! But, you can make those around you happy. Oh and dance while you still can!

Friends. What would we do without them.

2010-02-27T16:42:00.000-05:00

Ah yes, today I write about friends. A friend will always be there for you.

A friend doesn't care what you look like.

Friends make you laugh.

Friends mean everything.

AR&T love you.
My best friend died recently of brain cancer and my heart broke. All I have now is memories and thoughts of what might be, that never will.
She was proud. I wonder if it had to do with her Indian heritage. She was strong and she was weak too. Gosh I miss her.

Peggy and me. But I have made a lot of friends through writing. Publishing a book gave me so much more than a book. It gave me a new outlook on life. Because now I have so many new friends my heart is overwhelmed. And I thank the powers that are every day for this new gift. Love you guys. Each and every one of you.

Laugh and You'll Write Better!

2010-02-21T20:03:00.000-05:00

So are you ready for a little chuckle. A touch of humor?

So how is your sense of humor?

THE
> OLD MOTOR
> The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the
> town.
>
> After being married a year, the couple went to the
> hospital for the birth
> of their first child.
>
> The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to
> congratulate the old
> gentleman and said,
>
> 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
>
> The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old
> motor running.'
>
> The following year, the couple returned to the
> hospital for the birth of
> their second child.
>
> The same nurse was attending the delivery
> and again went out to
> congratulate the old gentleman.
>
> She said, 'Sir, you are something! How do you manage
> it?'
>
> The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old
> motor running.'
>
> A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the
> birth of their third
> child.
>
> The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the
> delivery, she once
> again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said,
> 'Well, you surely are
> something awesome! How do you do it?'
>
> The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you
> before, you gotta keep the old
> motor running.'
>
> The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
> Well, I guess it's
> time to change the oil. This one is black!'

One last thought, take it to the bank.

One for each of you who comments! Choose by first in line.

Do You Drink?

2010-02-16T20:01:00.000-05:00

Who doesn't come home from a hard day at work and want to sit down to a cold one?

Maybe you like something a bit stronger?

Although I suggest if you are going to have more than a few do it at home, or this could you.

Or this...shameful!

You'd be surprised at who likes a drink or two.

You go out to meet someone and hope for the best.

Just remember you could end up like this.

Public Speaking

2010-02-03T19:35:00.000-05:00

I have been working on my second book feverishly. I still have a ways to go. I'm not yet happy.

This one is so different than the first, even though it's one of a series. Here's a slight clue. It's called Burned Into Time. That's a biggie right there! My heroine gets burned into time!

But I am taking a break to talk about speaking in public.
Yes, this is a big problem for me, and it might be one for many of you. My fear of being in front of people has put a damper on a lot of things. I freeze and have to plug myself back in for a few seconds. Deep inside the words are trying to emerge.

I have great fear that something like this will happen!

Shell shocked I will sit there and try to read the words or even remember what I am doing there! The anti nerve pills ain't working and your stomach has a fire breathing dragon in it.
With a force that comes from who knows where takes over, like an alien, I push myself to say the words. Bluemberglst? Yeah that makes sense. And I remember what one of my FRW friends said to me. Picture them naked. Ha! that just might work.

One thing I can be sure of is that no matter how badly I do, Traci will tell me I did great!
Friends well

Yeah, that's exactly what I need to say!

Are You A Dog Or A Cat Person?

2010-01-16T20:35:00.000-05:00

Who can resist a cute little puppy?

Or an adorable little kitten.
Which one are you, a dog or a cat person?

Each of us has a preference for breed.

Some people look like their pets. For some of us they are family members.

Just like my boy Junior!

There are people who should live as well as this dog does. But, I have to admit, no one has ever broken into my house.

The Author Roast And Toast cooks Skhye Moncrief

2010-01-14T20:02:00.000-05:00

Come by and visit the http://authorroastandtoast.blogspot.com

The hostess's of the AR&T cook their next victim! Come and visit on Friday 1/15

Be there or be square!

Hey it's Cuddles bad cousin Muddles, uh oh, that can't be good! He sneezes and causes trouble!

Januray Burrrrrr Some Graphics for You.

2010-01-09T21:58:00.000-05:00

Ordinarily this is South Florida in January. The usual temperature is in the seventies during the day and low seventies at night. But this week we have proof that global warming is a spoof.
Because, this is South Florida today.

None of us knows what to do.
So I just thought I'll post some cool graphics

Something that makes me feel good to look at.

Invokes a feeling. The graphic artist or photographer makes magic.

Which is just what I try to do as an author. And if we do it right. You will feel it.

This one says cute. Have a good one.

What I Want From 2010

2010-01-01T16:28:00.000-05:00

I want to have a home in a rural area, away from the big city, but close to a good hospital and stores.

I want a new puppy to cuddle and keep Junior company.

I want to feel peace.

I want beautiful flowers and lots of books to read

My DH to keep me company.

And I want a new book to come out this year. The sequel to Tripping Through Time.
Burned Into Time is the story of Lacy McCalley. The sister of the heroine in book one travels back in time.
She doesn't get to leave as she planned to. She's burned into time is the best way to explain it.
A wonderful man saves her. But the burns have destroyed her self image. She doesn't want her sister to see her this way.
Why would a man fall in love with her? Especially now.
What she forgets is that love conquers all and that love is blind.
Ain't that great?!

Happy New Year to Everyone!!! May you live your heart's desire!

Just A Little Christmas Fun

2009-12-21T19:31:00.000-05:00

This picture invokes thoughts of a warm holiday and that perfect atmosphere.
This next bit makes me laugh.

While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.
>
> Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
>
> Osama responded," You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
>
> The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
>
> Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.
>
> " The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
>
> The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.
>
> His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
>
> God is good.

I know I'm bad. But I couldn't stop myself.

Here's a present for all my friends.

Author Roast and Toast On Friday 12/18

2009-12-17T19:27:00.000-05:00

The Author Roast and Toast crew is hosting Kathleen O'Connor on Friday. Come to her party. The atmosphere is warm and compelling.

Make a comment and have some fun with this cyber party. Oliver will be making some of his specialties for our guests. And Kathleen is looking awfully good in her new outfit.

http://authorroastandtoast.blogspot.com

And please,

The Thing About Christmas

2009-12-15T20:10:00.000-05:00

We each have a picture of what is Christmas in our heads. A lovely scene with lots of lights. One of the first things to enter my mind is, go home for Christmas.

Maybe a beautiful wreath?

A special tree that touches your heart. A toasty fireplace to warm your cold hands.

Maybe it's Santa Claus, or the Nativity. A bit of both?

Whatever it is. I wish you the best, Merry Christmas, no matter what!

Okay One Joke to make you laugh

A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the
>> sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, The Lord said.
>> 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
>> grant you one wish.'
>> The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I
>> can ride over anytime I want.'
>>
>> The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
>> challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required
>> reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it
>> would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can
>> do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
>> things. Take a little more time and think of something that could
>> possibly help mankind.'
>>
>> The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
>>
>> 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want
>> to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me
>> the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says
>> nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.
>>
>> The Lord replied;
>> 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

It's beginning to get close to Christmas!

2009-12-10T19:44:00.000-05:00

My father used to decorate the house when I was a kid, inside my mom was allowed to help, but outside was a historical event. Every year he added more and more to the decorations. We lived in Burlington, Vermont at this time. When he started to do this, the neighbors began to do it too. It was like a contest and the more decorations the better. He spent a fortune on it and it showed.

Every window had a candle and every window was decorated with the white spray snow. The closer to Christmas it got the more the men of the neighborhood scrambled. Especially when the city of Burlington held a contest for the best decorated yard. Alarms musta gone off, because all efforts doubled!

The winner won a hundred dollars, a lot at the time and the house would be featured in the Burlington Free Press.

Well my father won and we still have that picture framed in my mom's living room. For him it was worth the effort and it made the holidays just a bit more exciting. Decorations are just what you need to get into the mood and feeling.

My parents made Christmas so special. I used to think the magic was Christmas time, when my parents were the one's who really made it magic! Thanks mom and dad, for making Christmas so special for us.

Merry Christmas and may you have that special Christmas feeling!

No Snow For Christmas Here!

2009-12-05T20:11:00.000-05:00

I remember as a child how I felt on Christmas Eve. My mother was a pushover so if you wanted to know what she got you, you could usually get it out of her. The, what if I don't like it, always worked. In a family with six children the amount of presents surrounding the tree was

tremendous. My father would get the Christmas tree early, but never put it up until Christmas Eve. He put the lights on and most of the ornaments. It had to be perfect. One Christmas he covered the tree with tinsel, it looked like one huge lighted icicle. My preference always was no tinsel, because I wanted to lay under the tree and look up at all of the gilt and illumination above me, a mystical winter woodland, all in one single tree. I use to love the feeling of looking up from under the tree. It was so Christmas. I don't know if I could get off the floor these days. And Florida doesn't give that Christmas feeling, when you are used to being in Vermont. But this is how I like it to be.

The house in a snowstorm is a Christmasy sight. It give me that feeling. Tell me candles don't do it.

Looking out on a snowy scene just brings it all alive.

I miss sitting in front of a fire trying to warm my cold toes. There's nothing like it to enjoy your Christmas Eve.

It's a dream on a delicate snowflake. It's Christmas Eve memories.

Mona Risk gets roasted on Friday 12/4

2009-12-02T18:28:00.000-05:00

Mona Risk is being roasted on Friday the 4th by the http://authorroastandtoast.blogspot.com
The Author Roast and Toast.
On this day we will take Mona to a beautiful beach in South Florida/

Mona looks lovely in her white cover up and flip flops. We have a wonderful array of Greek foods.
Pull up a lounge chair and sit a while. Mona is going to have one heck of a party!

We're looking to party till the sun comes down over the water.

Have a great time!

Play by FoxSaver®

Be Happy! Laugh a lot!

2009-11-28T16:11:00.000-05:00

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

I just love this picture, that's why it's here.

Good Way To Start The Day

2009-11-18T21:04:00.000-05:00

This is funny but so very true....

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a
line of
women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's
your turn,
you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is
occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the
woman
leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the
wait has
been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for
the
modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is
handy, but
empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was
one, but
there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around
your neck,
(Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the
FLOOR! ), yank
down your pants, and assume 'The Stance.' In this position your
aging,
toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down,
but you
certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet
paper on it,
so you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what
you
discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind,
you can
hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to
clean the
seat, you would have known there was no toilet paper!' Your
thighs shake
more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on
yesterday,
the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around
your
neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle
yourself at
the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the
puffiest
way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door
hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of
your
chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank
of the
toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door,
dropping your
precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose
your
footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET
SEAT. It is
wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too
late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ
and life
form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet
paper -
not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You
know that
your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,
you're
certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat
because,
frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you
could
get.'

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is
so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a
fire hose
against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water
that
covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush
somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab
onto the
empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water
and the
wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum
wrapper
you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to
the
sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the
automatic
sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel
and walk
past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to
smile
politely to them..

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of
toilet
paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED
it??) You
yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and
tell
her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.'
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered,
used, and
left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so
long, and
why is your purse hanging around your neck?'

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public
restrooms
(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to
the men
what really does take us so long. It also answers their other
commonly
asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs.
It's so the
other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you
Kleenex
under the door! This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else
could
describe it so accurately!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

2009-11-15T14:39:00.000-05:00

I am posting this so that you all will have a moment of laughter today!

Birds of a feather flock together . . . ..and then shit on your car .

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you
Haven't met everybody

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . ... .. . . . AMEN!

One Smile is all it takes to feel better today!

2009-11-10T21:01:00.000-05:00

To put you in a good mood, one big smile will help!

Yes this seems to be helping, I can feel a slight turn up on the edge of my mouth, and I like this picture a lot.

I'm feeling a big grin start to take over my face, I can't help it, it's these pictures.

Oh yes, I am smiling now from ear to ear, so look this blog over whenever you want to smile.

Enjoy the day!!

Just a Reminder

2009-11-05T21:51:00.000-05:00

Don't forget to go to the http://authorroastandtoast.blogspot.com for a great blog and a lot of fun with Cindy K. Green, while we freeze our butts off for this wonderful White Rose Author. Snow bunny, hmmmmm? Sharon's wonderful imagination can almost make me one.

Lyn, Mary and Sharon are shocking the multitudes! You have to check out this blog!!

Forget how you usually feel in the morning and join us for some fun, verbal banter, laughter and a dose of Oliver, Junior, and Cuddles.
What better way to start the day.

Here is my Friday gift to you!

Play by FoxSaver®

This is why God made editors!

2009-11-02T14:18:00.000-05:00

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-g ood-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren 't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
************* ***************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

WITCHYS WIKKED GRAPHIX

Happy Halloween!!!!!! From Me to You All!

2009-10-31T00:00:00.000-04:00

Beware Of A Witch

May Halloween Frolics Engage You Tonight

Happy Halloween

Halloween Is Almost Here!

2009-10-29T21:30:00.000-04:00

THE WATCHER

A man went to a hotel and walked up to the front desk to check in. The woman at the desk gave him his key and told him that on the way to his room, there was a door with no number that was locked and no one was allowed in there. Especially no one should look inside the room, under any circumstances. So he followed the instructions of the woman at the front desk, going straight to his room, and going to bed. The next night his curiosity would not leave him alone about the room with no number on the door. He walked down the hall to the door and tried the handle. Sure enough it was locked. He bent down and looked through the wide keyhole. Cold air passed through it, chilling his eye. What he saw was a hotel bedroom, like his, and in the corner was a woman whose skin was completely white. She was leaning her head against the wall, facing away from the door. He stared in confusion for a while. He almost knocked on the door, out of curiosity, but decided not to. This disinclination saved his life. He crept away from the door and walked back to his room. The next day, he returned to the door and looked through the wide keyhole. This time, all he saw was redness. He couldn't make anything out besides a distinct red color, unmoving. Perhaps the inhabitants of the room knew he was spying the night before, and had blocked the keyhole with something red.

At this point he decided to consult the woman at the front desk for more information. She sighed and said, "Did you look through the keyhole?" The man told her that he had and she said, "Well, I might as well tell you the story. A long time ago, a man murdered his wife in that room, and her ghost haunts it. But these people were not ordinary. They were white all over, except for their eyes, which were red."

------------------------------------

STATUES

A few years ago, a mother and father decided they needed a break, so they wanted to head out for a night on the town. They called their most trusted babysitter. When the babysitter arrived, the two children were already fast asleep in bed. So the babysitter just got to sit around and make sure everything was okay with the children. Later that night, the babysitter got bored and went to watch TV, but she couldn't watch it downstairs because they did not have cable downstairs (the parents didn't want children watching too much garbage). So, she called them and asked them if she could watch cable in the parent's room. Of course, the parents said it was Okay, but the babysitter had one final request... she asked if she could cover up the clown statue in the corner of the bedroom with a blanket or cloth because it freaked her out. The phone line was silent for a moment, and the father who was talking to the babysitter at the time said, "Take the children and get out of the house... we will call the police. We do not have a clown statue."

Scary Urban Legends

2009-10-14T00:00:00.000-04:00

As told by Emily Dunbar...

One night a woman went out for drinks with her girlfriends. She left the bar fairly late at night, got in her car and onto the deserted highway. She noticed a lone pair of headlights in her rear-view mirror, approaching at a pace just slightly quicker than hers. As the car pulled up behind her she glanced and saw the turn signal on — the car was going to pass — when suddenly it swerved back behind her, pulled up dangerously close to her tailgate and the brights flashed.

Now she was getting nervous. The lights dimmed for a moment and then the brights came back on and the car behind her surged forward. The frightened woman struggled to keep her eyes on the road and fought the urge to look at the car behind her. Finally, her exit approached but the car continued to follow, flashing the brights periodically.

Through every stoplight and turn, it followed her until she pulled into her driveway. She figured her only hope was to make a mad dash into the house and call the police. As she flew from the car, so did the driver of the car behind her — and he screamed, "Lock the door and call the police! Call 911!"

When the police arrived the horrible truth was finally revealed to the woman. The man in the car had been trying to save her. As he pulled up behind her and his headlights illuminated her car, he saw the silhouette of a man with a butcher knife rising up from the back seat to stab her, so he flashed his brights and the figure crouched back down.

Moral of the story check the back seat.

Scary Urban Legends

2009-10-10T00:00:00.000-04:00

As told by Emily...

My mother swears this is true:

My great-great grandmother, ill for quite some time, finally passed away after lying in a coma for several days. My great-great grandfather was devastated beyond belief, as she was his one true love and they had been married over 50 years. They were married so long it seemed as if they knew each other's innermost thoughts.

After the doctor pronounced her dead, my great-great grandfather insisted that she was not. They had to literally pry him away from his wife's body so they could ready her for burial.

Now, back in those days they had backyard burial plots and did not drain the body of its fluids. They simply prepared a proper coffin and committed the body (in its coffin) to its permanent resting place. Throughout this process, my great-great grandfather protested so fiercely that he had to be sedated and put to bed. His wife was buried and that was that.

That night he woke to a horrific vision of his wife hysterically trying to scratch her way out of the coffin. He phoned the doctor immediately and begged to have his wife's body exhumed. The doctor refused, but my great-great grandfather had this nightmare every night for a week, each time frantically begging to have his wife removed from the grave.

Finally the doctor gave in and, together with local authorities, exhumed the body. The coffin was pried open and to everyone's horror and amazement, my great-great grandmother's nails were bent back and there were obvious scratches on the inside of the coffin.

Scare me!!

GO TO THE AUTHOR ROAST AND TOAST

2009-10-08T20:33:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow as a member of the Author Roast and Toast Blog, http://authorroastandtoast.blogspot.com, we welcome Roni Adams/Rhonda Penders. I would like to welcome all of you to participate and leave a comment for her blog. Let's show her what she means to us!

Be there or be square!

Scary Things

2009-10-06T00:00:00.000-04:00

Well this one isn't scary.

Home sweet home.

Not the best costume.

Ha!

Yes Happy Halloween All

Play by FoxSaver®

Why We Carve Pumpkins at Halloween

2009-10-03T00:00:00.000-04:00

Why Do We Carve Pumpkins into Jack O'Lanterns on Halloween?

The phrase "jack o'lantern" is British and dates back to the 17th century, when it meant "man with a lantern" -- a night watchman. It was also a nickname for the natural phenomenon known as ignis fatuus (fool's fire) or "will o' the wisp," the mysterious, flickering lights sometimes seen over wetlands and associated in folklore with fairies and ghosts.

Over time "jack o'lantern" became a popular term for a homemade object also known as a "turnip lantern," defined by Thomas Darlington in his 1887 volume The Folk-Speech of South Cheshire as "a lantern made by scooping out the inside of a turnip, carving the shell into a rude representation of the human face, and placing a lighted candle inside it." In some parts of Great Britain carrying jack o'lanterns was known as a form of pranksterism. As Darlington writes, "It is a common device of mischievous lads for frightening belated wayfarers on the road." In other locales (or perhaps in earlier times) people carved jack o'lanterns on the eves of All Saints and All Souls Days to represent souls of the dead trapped in Purgatory.

According to legend, the jack o'lantern was named after a reprobate Irishman called Stingy Jack who tricked the Devil into promising he wouldn't go to hell for his sins. When Jack died he learned he was barred from heaven, so he went down to the gates of hell after all to beg for a final resting place. Wouldn't you know it, the Devil kept his promise, dooming Jack to wander the earth for all eternity with only an ember of hellfire of to light his way. Thenceforth he was known as Jack O'Lantern.

It wasn't until Irish immigrants brought the custom of carving jack o'lanterns to North America that pumpkins began to be used for that purpose, and not until the late 19th century that pumpkin carving became a Halloween fixture.

We carve pumpkins because it's fun and it reminds me of my childhood with my brothers and sisters.

Ashley Ludwig on the Author Roast and Toast Blog Today

2009-10-02T00:00:00.000-04:00

We who host the Author Roast And Toast Blog
http://authorroastandtoast.blogspot.com, are proud to announce Ashley Ludwig as our next
victim, sorry I mean guest, on our weekly blog. Come and read what she has to say. Come and tease and laugh with the rest of us as we feast on Ashley's choice of repast. We have a lot of fun, we get to mess with one another and we get to be less serious for a while, while we forget our troubles.
Join us and our handsome Butler, Oliver, he's such a......a....a...man.
Cuddles will amaze you with his magic abilities, while Junior wags his tail, licks you and reads your mind.
Friday's now, with Sharon Donovan, Hywela Lyn and myself, will be the best day of your week.

Wish Lyn a joyous Happy Birthday and many more!!

There will be a prize for the best answer to the question?

Just A Quiet Day

2009-09-25T18:10:00.000-04:00

In October I go to North Carolina and when I sit on the porch I will be looking at wonderful view of the mountains, while I smell the earthy, woodsy odor of the forest, and the sweet smell of wild flowers. The country is so much better than the city.
It raises me up. It makes me calm and happier to be there. The leaves will be changing, and the nights will be cool.

Then my cousin sends me a joke and I remember to laugh a little too. It don't get
any better than that.

Four Worms and a Lesson to be learned

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars..

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

The Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service

Then we decided to take the worm to North Carolina. Last I saw it, it was making tracks toward a nice pile of dirt. Do worms smile? I coulda sworn...

Author Roast and Toast On Friday 9/25!

2009-09-24T19:11:00.000-04:00

Don't forget to go to http://authorroastandtoast.blogspot.com on Friday, 9/25. We are roasting and toasting Kat Henry Doran and having a great time doing it.
Sharon's butler, Oliver, is polishing glasses, making hor d'oeuvres, and just got back from having a facial, hair styling, and waxing. He wants to look his best. I hope he is not wearing that loincloth again this week.
Junior is thoroughly searching the property for places where the paparazzi might try to take pictures.
Cuddles is in the air and comes down to magically touch the areas that Junior barks at. Instantly the fences are repaired and the thin areas of the hedges are fixed.
Lyn is sending out reminders and Sharon is setting out the martini and other drink fixins.
Welcome to anyone who wants to make a comment or tease the heck out of Kat. That is your mission. This is your opportunity, use it. That is exactly what we want you to do. What's the word? Outwit, out comment, out last, hey Kat's book is out!
If you want to have fun, if you want to join in some wonderful fun . Come by anytime from 10:00am on to well past 5:00pm when everyone gets home from work.
We are ready. Come and get Kat!!

Ha! It feels good to Laugh Out Loud

2009-09-22T19:49:00.000-04:00

No this is not my DH but he wouldn't pose for me so I had to use this picture. The purpose of this picture is to make you stop and look at my blog.
First I offer you a hot looking guy, then I pass along some jokes.

But I would also like to mention that I am still on cloud nine. After getting a great review from You Gotta Read Reviewers, I am up there. I don't think I am gonna come down for awhile. It's nice on this cloud. I've never been here before.

I'd also like to mention that this Friday The Author Roast and Toast blog will be roasting Kat Henry Doran. Please drop by and make a comment. Tease and cajole Kat and spend the day laughing with other authors and your roasting hostess's.
Looking forward to meeting you all there. Ten in the morning till we are too exhausted to type. It's fun! http://authorroastandtoast.blogspot.com

Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

____________________

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing..'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the
head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Sally on
it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Sally was the name
of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Why Men Are Never Depressed

2009-09-08T22:34:00.000-04:00

I had a discussion with my cousin recently, he explained why he never seems to worry. Why things don't get to him. Why he never lets thing bother him. Here's what he had to say.

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $3500 Tux rental-$75. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $3.99 for a three-pack. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

No that's not my cousin. Too bad huh? Because it makes me feel better to look at him.

Flu Advise For Us All

2009-09-06T14:23:00.000-04:00

If you wake up looking like this!

Don't go to work!

Looks Like you might have the flu.

North Carolina again!

2009-08-27T21:08:00.000-04:00

My significant other loves fishing. Now mind you, these are trout farm fish, they jump on the line. They also cost like five dollars a pound.
Then you see my sweet niece, she loved looking for special stones in the dirt. Lo and behold one day she found a ruby! No way to know what it will look like until the cut it. She bought a ring with a setting to put the ruby in. The whole thing cost her seventy five dollars. When she asked her jeweler what it was worth he said sixty five dollars. Now that was a good investment huh?
The picture second from the top is what I like about North Carolina. Peace, quiet, friendly people, small town feeling and beautiful scenery to set the mood for my stories.
Can't wait to go again. In autumn when the leaves are changing and are crisp and red or gold. Then I will be able to be cool. Because here in Florida it's hot as Hades.
The car in the road. Well that's my property in North Carolina. We hope to build there if ever we can sell the house we're in.

So what's your favorite get away, get refreshed, place and why? Just curious that's all.

Brand New "Author's Roast and Toast" Blog

2009-08-23T01:00:00.000-04:00

I am introducing a new blog I belong to, The "Author's Roast and Toast". You think you have seen this all before. Think again! Readers and Writers come one, come all. Be roasted yourself or join in the roasting. This is gonna be great!

Are you tired of the usual question and answer interview blog? Do you find yourself skipping to the end of a long promotion and trying to think of something witty to say. If you are then this is the place for you!
Do you have a sense of humor? Can you think fast with your comeback? Do you like verbal banter? Does something a bit different interest you? If so then this is the place for you!
Would you like to interact with some interesting new characters? Do you like critters? Do you have a good imagination and you always wanted to be roasted? If you do then this is the place for you.
If you want to have fun then why not join us?

Tell us what makes your book special. But tell us like we're family and follow the family rules. As much as we appreciate that tastes differ, please keep excerpts 'sweet' on this blog.
Five smiling ladies and their flippant side kicks will treat you to the book cook of your life.

Oliver will wait on you serving Miss Mae's secret passed down family recipe. To make you comfortable enough to let your hair down like you never would under ordinary circumstances.

Junior and Cuddles are anxious to meet and greet you. They are rather affectionate, so you might have to brush off the pet hair. We will try to control them. Luckily we have an herbalist who can fix whatever ails you, she will happily share that knowledge with you.

Come on over to http://www.authorsroastandtoast.blogspot.com/ on August 28th for our Opening Introduction to our funplex Then we settle into a routene on September 4th. We'll see you on Fridays from them on. Get ready to have some fun and forget that writer's block,
that sink of dirty dishes, the screaming kids or whatever got to you that day. Need a good laugh? Spend some time with us and see how we "Roast and Toast" an author or two.
I promise you'll be glad you did.

There will be prizes, I love prizes! You never know you just might win.

Permission to forward to your groups allowed and recommended.

Summer TV, I'd rather read a book!

2009-08-11T19:37:00.000-04:00

Well here I am once again.
My DH and I are about to watch Hell's Kitchen. I am sure you have all heard of it or seen it. It's about a talented chef who has no ability to control his temper. He swears at his contestants, calls them names, and yells in their faces. Now that works for me.
Last night we watched some show about a neighborhood whose members are in a contest to win money. Last night they kicked out one of the neighborhoods best neighbors.
Or there is always Big Brother, where we can watch some spoiled, selfish, self centered people, learn how to perfect lies.
Have you seen any of the bachelor shows? I actually find myself feeling sorry for these fools.
One guy, twenty five girls, can these girls not do math?
The models are beating each other up. People are bouncing through obstacle courses that look potentially fatal to try and get through.
Now we don't have cable or a dish, I refuse to throw the money away. It's such a rip off. My DH put an antenna on the roof and we watch quite a number of free local channels. What makes me happy is looking at a tv guide and realizing I wouldn't watch any of the shows on cable if I could.
So tell me what else is there to do but read! Books never fail me, they take me away.
They teach me. They comfort me.
Give me a pleasant setting a good book and a pot of tea. Books are the best!

By the way I love this little faery! So cute!

More Funny Stuff

2009-08-07T20:51:00.000-04:00

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2.I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''

his response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5.An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6.An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D)
called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.