Yes, I Love Funny Stories! And This Is Funny!

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace... The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

My New Outlook On Life

The first thing you have to do is remove all negativity from your mind. Yep, every bit of it. Even if it ain't yours let it go!



Avoid things that confuse you.



Share good fortune with your friends.



Heed the warning signs.



Be courageous and don't be afraid to try new things.



Enjoy your friends.



Be kind and life will be kind to you.



Remember, you make your own happiness! But, you can make those around you happy. Oh and dance while you still can!

Friends. What would we do without them.

Ah yes, today I write about friends. A friend will always be there for you.


A friend doesn't care what you look like.

Friends make you laugh.



Friends mean everything.


AR&T love you.
My best friend died recently of brain cancer and my heart broke. All I have now is memories and thoughts of what might be, that never will.
She was proud. I wonder if it had to do with her Indian heritage. She was strong and she was weak too. Gosh I miss her.

Peggy and me. But I have made a lot of friends through writing. Publishing a book gave me so much more than a book. It gave me a new outlook on life. Because now I have so many new friends my heart is overwhelmed. And I thank the powers that are every day for this new gift. Love you guys. Each and every one of you.

Laugh and You'll Write Better!

So are you ready for a little chuckle. A touch of humor?


So how is your sense of humor?

THE
> OLD MOTOR
> The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the
> town.
>
> After being married a year, the couple went to the
> hospital for the birth
> of their first child.
>
> The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to
> congratulate the old
> gentleman and said,
>
> 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
>
> The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old
> motor running.'
>
> The following year, the couple returned to the
> hospital for the birth of
> their second child.
>
> The same nurse was attending the delivery
> and again went out to
> congratulate the old gentleman.
>
> She said, 'Sir, you are something! How do you manage
> it?'
>
> The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old
> motor running.'
>
> A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the
> birth of their third
> child.
>
> The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the
> delivery, she once
> again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said,
> 'Well, you surely are
> something awesome! How do you do it?'
>
> The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you
> before, you gotta keep the old
> motor running.'
>
> The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
> Well, I guess it's
> time to change the oil. This one is black!'


One last thought, take it to the bank.

One for each of you who comments! Choose by first in line.

Do You Drink?

Who doesn't come home from a hard day at work and want to sit down to a cold one?


Maybe you like something a bit stronger?



Although I suggest if you are going to have more than a few do it at home, or this could you.



Or this...shameful!



You'd be surprised at who likes a drink or two.



You go out to meet someone and hope for the best.





Just remember you could end up like this.

Public Speaking

I have been working on my second book feverishly. I still have a ways to go. I'm not yet happy.


This one is so different than the first, even though it's one of a series. Here's a slight clue. It's called Burned Into Time. That's a biggie right there! My heroine gets burned into time!

But I am taking a break to talk about speaking in public.
Yes, this is a big problem for me, and it might be one for many of you. My fear of being in front of people has put a damper on a lot of things. I freeze and have to plug myself back in for a few seconds. Deep inside the words are trying to emerge.


I have great fear that something like this will happen!



Shell shocked I will sit there and try to read the words or even remember what I am doing there! The anti nerve pills ain't working and your stomach has a fire breathing dragon in it.
With a force that comes from who knows where takes over, like an alien, I push myself to say the words. Bluemberglst? Yeah that makes sense. And I remember what one of my FRW friends said to me. Picture them naked. Ha! that just might work.



One thing I can be sure of is that no matter how badly I do, Traci will tell me I did great!
Friends well



Yeah, that's exactly what I need to say!

Are You A Dog Or A Cat Person?

Who can resist a cute little puppy?



Or an adorable little kitten.
Which one are you, a dog or a cat person?



Each of us has a preference for breed.



Some people look like their pets. For some of us they are family members.

Just like my boy Junior!






There are people who should live as well as this dog does. But, I have to admit, no one has ever broken into my house.

The Author Roast And Toast cooks Skhye Moncrief

Come by and visit the http://authorroastandtoast.blogspot.com

The hostess's of the AR&T cook their next victim! Come and visit on Friday 1/15

Be there or be square!

Hey it's Cuddles bad cousin Muddles, uh oh, that can't be good! He sneezes and causes trouble!

Januray Burrrrrr Some Graphics for You.

Ordinarily this is South Florida in January. The usual temperature is in the seventies during the day and low seventies at night. But this week we have proof that global warming is a spoof.
Because, this is South Florida today.




None of us knows what to do.
So I just thought I'll post some cool graphics




Something that makes me feel good to look at.



Invokes a feeling. The graphic artist or photographer makes magic.



Which is just what I try to do as an author. And if we do it right. You will feel it.



This one says cute. Have a good one.