Rules to Live By

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice! 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'. 6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 9. Sing Along At The Opera. 10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. 11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!' 12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!' 13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity 14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

The Lottery Ticket

I had it in my purse for a week, I'd forgotten it was there. I originally started with a $1.- in change.
I figured what the hey, buy a lottery ticket.
Well amaze me, I won $2.-, yippee. So with my $2.- I Won $5.-, I was on my way to a million!
So excitedly I bought that elusive $5.- ticket.
In the back of my head I was rich. I have a friend who actually won $250,000.- on a $10.- scratch off. And If I won $10.- I would buy a biggie, the $10.- out of my range to waste lottery ticket.

And then I forgot about it. It must be the partzeimers.
I met a friend at the Cracker Barrel for lunch, well breakfast cause we love blueberry pancakes.
As I looked in my purse this morning, there it was, my $5.- ticket. Whoo Hoo! What a thrill.
My friend and I put our whammy's on it. Trying to bring me luck and a miracle. Slowly I used my nickel to erase the numbers, starting at the bottom. On the ticket I had there were fifteen numbers and five winning ones. We looked at all the fifteen numbers pushing the lottery doo doo off the table and gearing ourselves for the moment.

I couldn't look at them until I'd uncovered them all. There I was, hoping, smiling and knowing the end was near.

Not a single number, not one, no new ticket, nothin'. Typical, and on the back it said I have a one in three chance of winning something. Yeah right. One in a million. So I threw away the useless ticket. And as I did so I wished my poor luck into the garbage with it.

So now I have to buy two more tickets to win something. No, that's not right, three, because it has to be the same time for the odds to be effective. Geez I wish I had a chance to ask the two suckers in line who bought the next $5.- ticket if they'd won anything. Or does it work like that.

Hmmm. I think if I'm gonna make a million it won't be on the lottery. Now I wish I had my $1.- back.