Time for a new post. Note- Laughter here again!

I love the jokes my cousin Dave sends me. He always made me laugh.

Just try reading this without laughing...

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun.......
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on
your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
The face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best.. .?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say,
'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst
just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of
smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

Ain't that JUST LIKE A MAN. Ha!

These both made me laugh!!

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade......'


Notable Tombstones



A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And one who can enjoy browsing fascinating thoughts on old tombstones in old cemeteries...





Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :



Born 1903--Died 1942.

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the

car was on the way down.

It was.



=============================



In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:



Here lies an Atheist,

all dressed up and no place to go.



=============================



On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in

East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:



Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.

Only The Good Die Young.



=============================



In a London , England cemetery:



Here lies Ann Mann,

Who lived an old maid

but died an old Mann.

Dec. 8, 1767



=============================



In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:



Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread,

And the Lord sent them manna.

Clark Wallace wanted a wife,

And the Devil sent him Anna.



===============================



In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:



Here lies Johnny Yeast....

Pardon him for not rising.



===============================



In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:



Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.

Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.



==============================



In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:



Here lays The Kid.

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger

But slow on the draw.



================================



A lawyer's epitaph in England :



Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,

and that is Strange..



=================================



John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,

England, cemetery:



Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,

Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.



==================================



In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :



On the 22nd of June,

Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.



==================================



Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,

Vermont:



Here lies the body of our Anna,

Done to death by a banana.

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,

But the skin of the thing that made her go.



==================================



On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,

Massachusetts:



Under the sod and under the trees,

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod.

Pease shelled out and went to God.



==================================



In a cemetery in England :



Remember man, as you walk by,

As you are now, so once was I

As I am now, so shall you be.

Remember this and follow me.

*********************

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:



To follow you I'll not consent.

Until I know which way you went.

One Lovely Blog Award for Me!!

Today I am passing along a gift from Dayana Knight to three special people, three out of many. Thank you so much! Here are the "rules" that go along with it:

1. Accept the award, along with the person's name who gave it to you and their blog link.

2. Pass the award to other blogs.

3. Remember to contact the other bloggers to let them know they've been chosen for the award.

I'm passing this along to Emma, Lyn, and Beth.

Congratulations, Ladies, you deserve it! I think I'll try to add the image to my website!

It feels so good to laugh!

I know when I laugh everything is better. For awhile I forget all the junk that weighs us down in life. I forget my problems and things are just easier to accomplish. Here's hopin' you get a kick out of these jokes. I want you to smile.
Thanks again David. You make us all happier!

Household Hints by Martha Stewart and some common sense alternatives!

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips. Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway! To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes Buy mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you! If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.' If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!' Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.. Celery? Never heard of it! Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't. Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away! If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you. Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The jokes below reflect my cousin's male approach to life. But they still make me laugh. By the way, he hasn't found a woman who will fulfill all of his dreams. Wonder why Dave? What's in a Name? A woman scanned the 20 guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. "Hello" she said. "My name is Carmen Gold." "That's a beautiful name" he said, "Is it a family name?" "No", she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in life, Cars, Men and Fine Jewelry. "What's your Name?" she asked. He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other. That ends my jokes for today blog. Thanks everyone for reading my blog. I hope you laugh!!!

My Cousin And More Jokes

My cousin Dave is a nut. A fun nut. He would do the craziest things when we were kids and he always made me laugh. One time he drove us right into Lake Champlain on his motorcycle. It really was cool flying through the air, but I don't know about the bike.
He was the king of making faces, he still is. Whenever I was with him we usually got into trouble somehow. But I loved it. Here's to you Dave, (by the way they're your jokes).

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within 5 minutes police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!! Don't Mess With Old Ladies A strawberry blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART! Why WAL-MART?? HELLOOOOOOOOO! WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!! To all the cousins we hung with when we were kids. We had fun didn't we?

Good for a laugh!

Too many of us dwell on the things we cannot control. Worry is an emotion to be avoided.
In my family we say we have inherited the worry gene, because my Mom is the worst and we all follow a close second.
Worry is counterproductive, it's not good for your well being and it accomplishes nothing. Well let me say that it does make some people sick.
So to me reading helps me escape my worries, and so does a good laugh.
Read these, feel better, stop worrying and live longer!

To everyone who is looking for an escape, go to The Wild Rose Press and buy my book, Tripping Through Time. A sweet and sensual escape to the past.
Following my first book I hope to soon release the sequel Burned Into Time, where a fiery crash is the turning point of a young woman's life. I think that the more I write the more I learn. That can only mean a better second book.

So laugh now!

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa".

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day, Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy. And good-bye Grandma."

The next day, grandmother died.

Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me... this morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!


A woman scanned the 20 guests at a party
and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She
approached him. "Hello" she said. "My name is Carmen Gold."
"That's a beautiful name" he said, "Is it a family name?"
"No", she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I
like most in life, Cars, Men and Fine Jewelry. "What's
your Name?" she asked. He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf."

Two Weeks With Autism

I never saw a prettier child. I say child although she is almost 16. She is my niece, my God child, my sister's beloved child, and she has Autism. My DH and I just spent two weeks with my sister and her two children. One is autistic and one has ADHD. My sister has her hands full, and what I planned as a vacation turned out to be an eye opening difficult time for all. I don't know how my sister can do it, all alone.
Years ago they would have just considered her retarded and placed her in an institution, where she would have lived her life mindlessly, drugged and forgotten. When I look at her beautiful face I am reminded of how innocent she is. No one knows what that frown means on her face, no one can read her, she is an enigma. What thoughts go through her head I wonder. Why does she lose her temper for no reason and begin to beat herself about the head with hard, closed, fists. She knows enough to throw a fit to get her way, but not to understand why she can't always have her way.
She recognizes the Dollar Store or Rite Aide, where she knows her mother will buy her comic books and crayons. She will tear the pages out and throw them on the floor, angry if you try to discard them. Her reasoning a mystery never to be unraveled.
I couldn't do it. She doesn't even know how to care for her personal needs. What would happen to her if my sister died. I know I couldn't handle her. What on earth would I do?
My sister is overprotective. I understand it, it's hard to watch, but I do understand it. If you give her whatever she wants she will be happy, but you will not. I try to tell her things, ideas, suggestions, but she won't listen. She over compensates for the divorce and I feel awful to say I know how he must feel. There is no fix for this problem. There is just a very pretty young woman who will never have a life, never fall in love, never be a real person, how sad. And a family torn apart by something they could not fix.
Autism is a terrible disease, affliction, mental disorder, whatever you want to call it. It has ruined the life of a young human child and of those around her.
A cure has to be found, or at least a way to prevent it. Imagine what she could have accomplished, if that little mind could have opened up to the world.
We have to fix this!!! Support the study for a cure.

More jokes from my cousin Dave

I will be back on July 1st. Everyone stay save, have fun, and be healthy. I am gonna go to Ela, North Carolina, in the Great Smokey Mountains. When I first drove through the mountains it was very easy to see why they call it that. I hope that I can sit in peace, read and write. Keep laughing it makes you feel a whole lot better. Be back soon!


Different Ways of Looking at Things:
> >
> >> Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and
> >> family values.
> >>
> >> Stu said, 'I
> >> didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
> >>
> >> Leroy replied,
> >> 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
> >> ---------------------------------------------------------
> >>
> >>
> >> 'Mr. Clark,
> >> I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge
> >> said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
> >>
> >> 'That's
> >> very fair, your honor,' the husband said, 'and every now and then I'll
> >> try to send her a few bucks myself.'
> >> ---------------------------------------------------------
> >> A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
> >> took her husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
> >> at all.'
> >>
> >> 'Me neither
> >> doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and she's really good
> >> with the kids.'
> >> -----------------------------------------------------------
> >> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
> >> has been living with for the last 40 years.
> >>
> >>
> >> The Wizard says,
> >> 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to
> >> put the curse on you.'
> >>
> >> The old man says
> >> without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
> >> ----------------------------------------------------------
> >> A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long
> >> it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
> >>
> >> The agent
> >> replies, 'Just a minute...'
> >>
> >> 'Thank
> >> you.' The blonde says and hangs up.
> >> ----------------------------------------------------------
> >>
> >>
> >> Moe: 'My
> >> wife got me to believe in religion.'
> >> Joe:
> >> 'Really?'
> >> Moe: 'Yeah.
> >> Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
> >> ----------------------------------------------------------
> >> A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
> >> asks him how he is feeling.
> >> 'I'm OK, but I
> >> didn't like the four letter words the doctor used in surgery,' he
> >> answered.
> >> 'What did he
> >> say,' asked the nurse.
> >> 'Oops!'
> >> -----------------------------------------------------------
> >> While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
> >> of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds
> >> since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my
> >> husband's advice.
> >> 'What do you
> >> think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
> >> 'Better get
> >> a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
> >> He's still
> >> in intensive care.
> >> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> >>
> >> The graveside
> >> service had just barely finished, when there was massive clap of
> >> thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
> >> even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
> >> The little old
> >> man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there!'

A little more laughter and good vibes!

Prayer for my daddy

"Dear God. This year for Christmas, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer, Amen."

This is one of the most interesting signs I have been informed about.

Sign in an INDIANA
store front window:

We WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000

AL
QAEDA TERRORISTS,

Than WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER!'

READ ON DON'T QUIT.

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Whiting, Indiana.
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory
statement.
However, we are a society which holds freedom of Speech as perhaps our
greatest liberty.
And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.

Answer:

Owen's Funeral Home

You
gotta love it!!!

Have a good one everyone, I will be back on July 1st, enjoy life and stay safe!

More from my cousin, he's a riot!

Importance of Walking

1/ Walking 20 minutes can add to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

2/ My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old...
and we haven't a clue where the hell he is.

3/ I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

4/ The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

5/ I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

6/ I=2
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
....apparently you have to actually go there.

7/ Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8/ I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9/ The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

10/ If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

11/ I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill was enough.

12/ We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our skulls.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

13/ Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave, I look fine

1) My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

2) My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

3) Saturday morning I got up early to go fishing, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and tip-toed into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started .....

------------ --------- --------- ---

4) I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed, and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

5) My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny & sleek that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- --------- -----

6) When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- -----

7) After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- -----

8) My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- -----

9) I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

10) A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

My Cousin Makes Me Laugh

A little known fact.... The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important. HUH? Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph… Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Ralph. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..... 'Ralph! Wake up! You shit the bed!' I could picture this happening to an old man! Ha!

The Economy Is So Bad... CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes. Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Motel Six won't leave the light on. The Mafia is laying off judges. And finally... Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, neat...the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear. Hmmmm!

North Carolina-Home Sweet Home

When I look at this picture I feel at home. There's something about the mountains that calls to my soul. The dense woods surround me when I walk down the road toward my small piece of land. Junior my dog is sleeping in the sun.
It's beautiful and we hope to build a small home there soon. The cabin is the place we rent when we go up there. It's just below our property on the mountain. I hope I have a view even close to these.

North Carolina-between Bryson City, and Cherokee I feel closer to heaven!
More pictures soon!

Why I love and write about Lake Champlain, Vermont

Writing for me is cathartic. I get to put my moods to use. I don't know about other writers, but I like to use familiar places for my stories. The places you grew up in. The places you visited that left a memory so strong you use it. I spent most of my childhood growing up in Burlington, and South Hero, Vermont and in Port Washington, and Wantagh, on Long Island in New York, and a year in High School, in Ottawa, Canada. Despite spending more time here in Florida, as an adult, then in any one of those places, I still feel more at home in one of them. What makes a place feel like home. There are people in all of the places I've lived that are important to me. But the one I have always felt closest to is Lake Champlain and South Hero, Vermont.
Maybe it's because I had cousins to hang with, maybe it was childhood itself, maybe because it was a time where I had less to worry about. I never had to worry about the mortgage, the FPL bill or how to pay for food. Everything was there for me.
But I think it was the lake. I remember being under water and opening my eyes to see a fish swim by. It was crystal clear and I'd watch the stones on the bottom go by as I swam. And I had imagination. I think that was the beginning of my love for Lake Champlain. I always had imagination, I could be whatever I wanted. A pirates captive, a mermaid, a girl pretending to be a boy so I could fight in one of those old forts on the lake shore. The lake was magic. And it is still in me. Now that makes me smile.

I'm Taking A Break From Promoting

Well I finally came to the decision that it was time to stop working on promoting my first book, entering contests, and reading and commenting on blogs. I have to start finishing my second book.
After reading and answering three or four different emails, I would read and comment on all the wonderful people I have met through writing. No one wants to write a blog and give a piece of themselves to people who never ever comment. Now I will admit it is a real time consuming thing. There are so many great writers whose blogs I go to. Talented, kind, genuine and honest people who teach me things, amuse me and fill my life with their fantastic books. I have so many I want to read, I could spend months doing that alone.
So, I have decided to kick my self in the butt, and stop everything except writing, my own blog, the few blogs I am hosting for the Pink Fuzzy Slipper Writers, and one or two interviews. I have this wonderful tale in my head. Of pain, fright, tenderness, romance and the will to be what you are meant to be. I will do it in the past by the use of a special magic Celtic ring just like in my first book. Hopefully, I have learned and grown in my writing skills, and this one will be even better. I expect you all to let me know.
Cheers for now...I will be back soon.

I leave you with the gift of laughter. My very favorite gift.

SENIOR DRESS CODE

Many of us on the way to 50, over 50, & WAY over 50, are quite
confused
about how we should present ourselves.


We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or
not we
are correct as we try to conform to current fashion. In spite of what
you may
have seen on the streets, the following combinations, DO NOT go together
and
should be avoided:


1. A nose ring and bifocals.
2. Spiked hair and bald spots.
3. A pierced tongue and dentures.
4. Miniskirts and support hose.
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
6. Speedo's and cellulite.
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge.
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist.
11. Bikinis and liver spots.
12. Short shorts and varicose veins.
13. In-line skates and a walker...


And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion
for the older folks...

14. Thongs and Depends!

And this for a second laugh!

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of used men's work boots, size 14-16 .
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Back in an hour.. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter

Love you guys.

I Want To Make You Smile! I don't care if you dance as long as you're laughing

Junior always wears a smile, my doggy, he's so cool! Below are some amusing comments, I hope you laugh!


Now mind you this came from a male cousin and just goes to prove that men still...do not get it!!!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry


By all means marry.. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud


Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison


'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH.......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

This came from the same cousin, after I told him what a dope he is!

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room=2 0and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Proofreading, a dead art

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

-----------------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

---------------------------------------- -----------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
------------------------------------------------
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

*******************************************

And the winner is.....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

***************************************************



Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!

More smiles for you all!

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION ... 10 MILES



He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION ... 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION ... NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.



The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:



GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

Next One:


"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

What to do when you don't know what to do.

The Four Cats Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.' T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was pretty good! But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.' Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?' The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'Coffee Break, do your stuff.' Coffee Break jumped to his feet....... ate the cookies........
drank the milk....... shit on the paper....... screwed the other three cats....... claimed he injured his back while doing so....... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions....... put in for Workers' Compensation...............and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONEWANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

When you don't know what to do laugh!!! It does a body good. Ha!

Let's talk to Emma Lai!

I met TWRP's lovely Emma Lai on the loop. From day one I have watched her take her precious time and comment on peoples blogs. Emma is a true sweetheart and one great author. Her inner beauty shines in her words and in her way of looking at life.
We are all lucky to have her. Welcome Emma!


Blurb:

Ellie Woods is in love…with a ship. When an argument with the ship results in a bump on the head, she finds herself in the strong arms of Alastair. But who is he and where did he come from?
Alastair has loved Ellie from afar for years, but duty has kept him from revealing himself to her. When a grave threat reveals his true identity, he hopes that Ellie will choose reality over fantasy.

Excerpt:


She fought to stay aware by focusing her gaze on the intriguing cleft in her rescuer’s chin. After a few moments, she tried to tilt her head back to get a look at the rest of his face, but the action made her dizzy once again. She gave up with a sigh and relaxed against his firm, broad chest.

She shrugged. Chances were she would not recognize him anyway. Over two hundred people served on the ship. She knew the dozen or so engineers who worked the first and third rotations and maybe another dozen crewmates by sight, others who worked the same rotation and happened to eat their meals in solitary silence at the same time she did. She would guess from the fact that he had to ask her name that he was not any of those two dozen individuals.

Maybe she should not have told him her real name. At least that way, when he talked about finding a woman helpless in the bowels of the ship, no one would have known who it was. Yeah, right, whom was she trying to fool? She was the sole person assigned duty to this area during fourth rotation. Her breath caught, and she stiffened in his arms. Who was he, and what was he doing in a restricted area?

“Relax,” he said.

“Who are you?” She tried to sit up in his arms, determined to get a look at him and an answer to her question.

He lifted her higher in his arms, which wedged her head between his head and shoulder and prevented her from getting a good look at his face. “Alastair.” His warm breath fluttered against her forehead and cheek.



Bio:

Emma uses her writing as an outlet for the myriad of thoughts that crowd her overactive mind. In addition to Mates of the Guardians, a series of short stories focusing on a mysterious group of individuals on a quest to save the universe and their search for love, she is working on a contemporary romance book and a science fiction/fantasy book series. She also has more plans for the Guardians. However, there is no telling what else she will literally dream up.



Are you a plotter or a panster?
All of my stories to date have been written via the seat of my pants. I planted my bottom in my chair and typed out the scenes that I dreamed up and let the characters have their heads. After delving into the Mates of the Guardians series, I discovered the value in plotting. I'm not saying that I'm going to be a dedicated plotter, but I'm carefully finishing up the Mates of the Guardians series with the knowledge that it will affect a book that I'm working on.


How long had you been writing before publishing your first book?
I just started writing fiction in June of 2008 to help me relax after finishing a writing intensive Masters program. (For the degree, I was writing one or two 15-20 page in-depth research papers every ten weeks.) However, I didn't get serious about trying my hand at writing for publication until November of 2008. I got lucky with my first short story submission, which was accepted by The Wild Rose Press a month after I submitted it. WOW and YAY!


What do love to do in your free time?
I read a lot, but what I really love to do is spend time with my husband. I know it sounds sappy, but it's true. We hang out together and just talk or go to the movies. He's one of the most interesting people that I know and keeps me inspired.


Is your husband and family supportive of your writing career?
Definitely. My mother-in-law is the one who encouraged me to submit, and my husband bugged me until I did. The rest of the family think I'm brave for sticking my neck out there even though they don't necessarily read romance.


Who is your own favorite author, and what do you like to read?
That's a really hard question. I have tons of favorite authors in a variety of genres. Some of my favorite classical authors include Lewis Carroll, Jane Austen, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and George Orwell. In fantasy, I'm following the Malazan Book of the Fallen Series by Steven Erickson. The man is a master at world building on an almost incomprehensible scale. I also follow Raymond E. Feist. My favorites of his were the Serpentwar Saga and Empire Series, which he wrote with Janny Wurts. For mystery, I read the Pepper Martin Series by Casey Daniels...who doesn't love a sassy woman who solves mysteries for ghosts? For historical fiction, I'm reading books by Anne Easter Smith. For Regency romance, I follow Stephanie Laurens, Lisa Kleypas, and Victoria Alexander, but they are by no means the only ones I read. For paranormal romance, I read J.R. Ward's Black Dagger Brotherhood Series. I also read many of the authors who write for The Wild Rose Press. You can check out my author interviews to see who I'm currently reading.


What are you working on now?
I'm working on edits for the second story in the Mates of the Guardians series, currently titled HIS HOPE, HER SALVATION. Hopefully, it will be followed by HER FANTASY LOVER; HIS LIGHT, HER SHADOW; and HER WARRIOR'S LOVE which are all in progress. I also want to complete a contemporary romance I've been working on as well as a young adult fantasy.


How much research do you do for your books?
I probably spend about a third of my time on research. This includes looking at period clothing, politics, and manners; astronomy; and mythology. When I'm not writing a particular piece I still read history books and mythology books with an eye out for possible story ideas.

Let's all take the time to comment on Emma's blog and let the sweetheart of TWRP know how much we care about her. And let's all read one fabulous story!

For those of you blog hopping the next site is http://mizging.blogspot.com
Have fun finding those eggs and enjoy your prizes. From me an ebook copy of my own Tripping Through Time. Good luck with Skyhe's wonderful contest. No egg here!

You can find Emma at the sites below. Love you Emma!

Emma Lai (emmalaiwrites@yahoo.com)
http://emmalaiwrites.blogspot.com
http://www.emmalaiwrites.com/
His Ship, Her Fantasy - coming August 12th from The Wild Rose Press