Why Men Are Never Depressed

I had a discussion with my cousin recently, he explained why he never seems to worry. Why things don't get to him. Why he never lets thing bother him. Here's what he had to say.

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $3500 Tux rental-$75. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $3.99 for a three-pack. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

No that's not my cousin. Too bad huh? Because it makes me feel better to look at him.

Flu Advise For Us All

If you wake up looking like this!




Don't go to work!


Looks Like you might have the flu.

North Carolina again!

My significant other loves fishing. Now mind you, these are trout farm fish, they jump on the line. They also cost like five dollars a pound.
Then you see my sweet niece, she loved looking for special stones in the dirt. Lo and behold one day she found a ruby! No way to know what it will look like until the cut it. She bought a ring with a setting to put the ruby in. The whole thing cost her seventy five dollars. When she asked her jeweler what it was worth he said sixty five dollars. Now that was a good investment huh?
The picture second from the top is what I like about North Carolina. Peace, quiet, friendly people, small town feeling and beautiful scenery to set the mood for my stories.
Can't wait to go again. In autumn when the leaves are changing and are crisp and red or gold. Then I will be able to be cool. Because here in Florida it's hot as Hades.
The car in the road. Well that's my property in North Carolina. We hope to build there if ever we can sell the house we're in.

So what's your favorite get away, get refreshed, place and why? Just curious that's all.

Brand New "Author's Roast and Toast" Blog

I am introducing a new blog I belong to, The "Author's Roast and Toast". You think you have seen this all before. Think again! Readers and Writers come one, come all. Be roasted yourself or join in the roasting. This is gonna be great!

Are you tired of the usual question and answer interview blog? Do you find yourself skipping to the end of a long promotion and trying to think of something witty to say. If you are then this is the place for you!
Do you have a sense of humor? Can you think fast with your comeback? Do you like verbal banter? Does something a bit different interest you? If so then this is the place for you!
Would you like to interact with some interesting new characters? Do you like critters? Do you have a good imagination and you always wanted to be roasted? If you do then this is the place for you.
If you want to have fun then why not join us?

Tell us what makes your book special. But tell us like we're family and follow the family rules. As much as we appreciate that tastes differ, please keep excerpts 'sweet' on this blog.
Five smiling ladies and their flippant side kicks will treat you to the book cook of your life.

Oliver will wait on you serving Miss Mae's secret passed down family recipe. To make you comfortable enough to let your hair down like you never would under ordinary circumstances.

Junior and Cuddles are anxious to meet and greet you. They are rather affectionate, so you might have to brush off the pet hair. We will try to control them. Luckily we have an herbalist who can fix whatever ails you, she will happily share that knowledge with you.

Come on over to http://www.authorsroastandtoast.blogspot.com/ on August 28th for our Opening Introduction to our funplex Then we settle into a routene on September 4th. We'll see you on Fridays from them on. Get ready to have some fun and forget that writer's block,
that sink of dirty dishes, the screaming kids or whatever got to you that day. Need a good laugh? Spend some time with us and see how we "Roast and Toast" an author or two.
I promise you'll be glad you did.

There will be prizes, I love prizes! You never know you just might win.

Permission to forward to your groups allowed and recommended.

Summer TV, I'd rather read a book!

Well here I am once again.
My DH and I are about to watch Hell's Kitchen. I am sure you have all heard of it or seen it. It's about a talented chef who has no ability to control his temper. He swears at his contestants, calls them names, and yells in their faces. Now that works for me.
Last night we watched some show about a neighborhood whose members are in a contest to win money. Last night they kicked out one of the neighborhoods best neighbors.
Or there is always Big Brother, where we can watch some spoiled, selfish, self centered people, learn how to perfect lies.
Have you seen any of the bachelor shows? I actually find myself feeling sorry for these fools.
One guy, twenty five girls, can these girls not do math?
The models are beating each other up. People are bouncing through obstacle courses that look potentially fatal to try and get through.
Now we don't have cable or a dish, I refuse to throw the money away. It's such a rip off. My DH put an antenna on the roof and we watch quite a number of free local channels. What makes me happy is looking at a tv guide and realizing I wouldn't watch any of the shows on cable if I could.
So tell me what else is there to do but read! Books never fail me, they take me away.
They teach me. They comfort me.
Give me a pleasant setting a good book and a pot of tea. Books are the best!

By the way I love this little faery! So cute!

More Funny Stuff

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2.I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''

his response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5.An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6.An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D)
called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I agree I am thankful for these things too!

I AM THANKFUL:

FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT, BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.


FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.


FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS.


FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED .



FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.


FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.



FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE



FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME


FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH. .


FOR THE PARKING SPOT
I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION .


FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.


FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.



FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.


FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.



FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.


AND I AM THANKFUL:
FOR THE crazy people I work with
BECAUSE they make work interesting and fun!

AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL

BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE
THINKING OF ME.

Time for a new post. Note- Laughter here again!

I love the jokes my cousin Dave sends me. He always made me laugh.

Just try reading this without laughing...

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun.......
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on
your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
The face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best.. .?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say,
'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst
just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of
smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

Ain't that JUST LIKE A MAN. Ha!

These both made me laugh!!

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade......'


Notable Tombstones



A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And one who can enjoy browsing fascinating thoughts on old tombstones in old cemeteries...





Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :



Born 1903--Died 1942.

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the

car was on the way down.

It was.



=============================



In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:



Here lies an Atheist,

all dressed up and no place to go.



=============================



On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in

East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:



Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.

Only The Good Die Young.



=============================



In a London , England cemetery:



Here lies Ann Mann,

Who lived an old maid

but died an old Mann.

Dec. 8, 1767



=============================



In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:



Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread,

And the Lord sent them manna.

Clark Wallace wanted a wife,

And the Devil sent him Anna.



===============================



In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:



Here lies Johnny Yeast....

Pardon him for not rising.



===============================



In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:



Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.

Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.



==============================



In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:



Here lays The Kid.

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger

But slow on the draw.



================================



A lawyer's epitaph in England :



Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,

and that is Strange..



=================================



John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,

England, cemetery:



Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,

Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.



==================================



In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :



On the 22nd of June,

Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.



==================================



Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,

Vermont:



Here lies the body of our Anna,

Done to death by a banana.

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,

But the skin of the thing that made her go.



==================================



On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,

Massachusetts:



Under the sod and under the trees,

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod.

Pease shelled out and went to God.



==================================



In a cemetery in England :



Remember man, as you walk by,

As you are now, so once was I

As I am now, so shall you be.

Remember this and follow me.

*********************

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:



To follow you I'll not consent.

Until I know which way you went.

One Lovely Blog Award for Me!!

Today I am passing along a gift from Dayana Knight to three special people, three out of many. Thank you so much! Here are the "rules" that go along with it:

1. Accept the award, along with the person's name who gave it to you and their blog link.

2. Pass the award to other blogs.

3. Remember to contact the other bloggers to let them know they've been chosen for the award.

I'm passing this along to Emma, Lyn, and Beth.

Congratulations, Ladies, you deserve it! I think I'll try to add the image to my website!

It feels so good to laugh!

I know when I laugh everything is better. For awhile I forget all the junk that weighs us down in life. I forget my problems and things are just easier to accomplish. Here's hopin' you get a kick out of these jokes. I want you to smile.
Thanks again David. You make us all happier!

Household Hints by Martha Stewart and some common sense alternatives!

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips. Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway! To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes Buy mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you! If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.' If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!' Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.. Celery? Never heard of it! Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't. Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away! If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you. Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The jokes below reflect my cousin's male approach to life. But they still make me laugh. By the way, he hasn't found a woman who will fulfill all of his dreams. Wonder why Dave? What's in a Name? A woman scanned the 20 guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. "Hello" she said. "My name is Carmen Gold." "That's a beautiful name" he said, "Is it a family name?" "No", she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in life, Cars, Men and Fine Jewelry. "What's your Name?" she asked. He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other. That ends my jokes for today blog. Thanks everyone for reading my blog. I hope you laugh!!!

My Cousin And More Jokes

My cousin Dave is a nut. A fun nut. He would do the craziest things when we were kids and he always made me laugh. One time he drove us right into Lake Champlain on his motorcycle. It really was cool flying through the air, but I don't know about the bike.
He was the king of making faces, he still is. Whenever I was with him we usually got into trouble somehow. But I loved it. Here's to you Dave, (by the way they're your jokes).

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within 5 minutes police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!! Don't Mess With Old Ladies A strawberry blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART! Why WAL-MART?? HELLOOOOOOOOO! WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!! To all the cousins we hung with when we were kids. We had fun didn't we?

Good for a laugh!

Too many of us dwell on the things we cannot control. Worry is an emotion to be avoided.
In my family we say we have inherited the worry gene, because my Mom is the worst and we all follow a close second.
Worry is counterproductive, it's not good for your well being and it accomplishes nothing. Well let me say that it does make some people sick.
So to me reading helps me escape my worries, and so does a good laugh.
Read these, feel better, stop worrying and live longer!

To everyone who is looking for an escape, go to The Wild Rose Press and buy my book, Tripping Through Time. A sweet and sensual escape to the past.
Following my first book I hope to soon release the sequel Burned Into Time, where a fiery crash is the turning point of a young woman's life. I think that the more I write the more I learn. That can only mean a better second book.

So laugh now!

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa".

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day, Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy. And good-bye Grandma."

The next day, grandmother died.

Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me... this morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!


A woman scanned the 20 guests at a party
and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She
approached him. "Hello" she said. "My name is Carmen Gold."
"That's a beautiful name" he said, "Is it a family name?"
"No", she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I
like most in life, Cars, Men and Fine Jewelry. "What's
your Name?" she asked. He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf."

Two Weeks With Autism

I never saw a prettier child. I say child although she is almost 16. She is my niece, my God child, my sister's beloved child, and she has Autism. My DH and I just spent two weeks with my sister and her two children. One is autistic and one has ADHD. My sister has her hands full, and what I planned as a vacation turned out to be an eye opening difficult time for all. I don't know how my sister can do it, all alone.
Years ago they would have just considered her retarded and placed her in an institution, where she would have lived her life mindlessly, drugged and forgotten. When I look at her beautiful face I am reminded of how innocent she is. No one knows what that frown means on her face, no one can read her, she is an enigma. What thoughts go through her head I wonder. Why does she lose her temper for no reason and begin to beat herself about the head with hard, closed, fists. She knows enough to throw a fit to get her way, but not to understand why she can't always have her way.
She recognizes the Dollar Store or Rite Aide, where she knows her mother will buy her comic books and crayons. She will tear the pages out and throw them on the floor, angry if you try to discard them. Her reasoning a mystery never to be unraveled.
I couldn't do it. She doesn't even know how to care for her personal needs. What would happen to her if my sister died. I know I couldn't handle her. What on earth would I do?
My sister is overprotective. I understand it, it's hard to watch, but I do understand it. If you give her whatever she wants she will be happy, but you will not. I try to tell her things, ideas, suggestions, but she won't listen. She over compensates for the divorce and I feel awful to say I know how he must feel. There is no fix for this problem. There is just a very pretty young woman who will never have a life, never fall in love, never be a real person, how sad. And a family torn apart by something they could not fix.
Autism is a terrible disease, affliction, mental disorder, whatever you want to call it. It has ruined the life of a young human child and of those around her.
A cure has to be found, or at least a way to prevent it. Imagine what she could have accomplished, if that little mind could have opened up to the world.
We have to fix this!!! Support the study for a cure.

More jokes from my cousin Dave

I will be back on July 1st. Everyone stay save, have fun, and be healthy. I am gonna go to Ela, North Carolina, in the Great Smokey Mountains. When I first drove through the mountains it was very easy to see why they call it that. I hope that I can sit in peace, read and write. Keep laughing it makes you feel a whole lot better. Be back soon!


Different Ways of Looking at Things:
> >
> >> Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and
> >> family values.
> >>
> >> Stu said, 'I
> >> didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
> >>
> >> Leroy replied,
> >> 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
> >> ---------------------------------------------------------
> >>
> >>
> >> 'Mr. Clark,
> >> I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge
> >> said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
> >>
> >> 'That's
> >> very fair, your honor,' the husband said, 'and every now and then I'll
> >> try to send her a few bucks myself.'
> >> ---------------------------------------------------------
> >> A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
> >> took her husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
> >> at all.'
> >>
> >> 'Me neither
> >> doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and she's really good
> >> with the kids.'
> >> -----------------------------------------------------------
> >> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
> >> has been living with for the last 40 years.
> >>
> >>
> >> The Wizard says,
> >> 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to
> >> put the curse on you.'
> >>
> >> The old man says
> >> without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
> >> ----------------------------------------------------------
> >> A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long
> >> it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
> >>
> >> The agent
> >> replies, 'Just a minute...'
> >>
> >> 'Thank
> >> you.' The blonde says and hangs up.
> >> ----------------------------------------------------------
> >>
> >>
> >> Moe: 'My
> >> wife got me to believe in religion.'
> >> Joe:
> >> 'Really?'
> >> Moe: 'Yeah.
> >> Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
> >> ----------------------------------------------------------
> >> A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
> >> asks him how he is feeling.
> >> 'I'm OK, but I
> >> didn't like the four letter words the doctor used in surgery,' he
> >> answered.
> >> 'What did he
> >> say,' asked the nurse.
> >> 'Oops!'
> >> -----------------------------------------------------------
> >> While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
> >> of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds
> >> since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my
> >> husband's advice.
> >> 'What do you
> >> think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
> >> 'Better get
> >> a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
> >> He's still
> >> in intensive care.
> >> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> >>
> >> The graveside
> >> service had just barely finished, when there was massive clap of
> >> thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
> >> even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
> >> The little old
> >> man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there!'

A little more laughter and good vibes!

Prayer for my daddy

"Dear God. This year for Christmas, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer, Amen."

This is one of the most interesting signs I have been informed about.

Sign in an INDIANA
store front window:

We WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000

AL
QAEDA TERRORISTS,

Than WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER!'

READ ON DON'T QUIT.

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Whiting, Indiana.
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory
statement.
However, we are a society which holds freedom of Speech as perhaps our
greatest liberty.
And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.

Answer:

Owen's Funeral Home

You
gotta love it!!!

Have a good one everyone, I will be back on July 1st, enjoy life and stay safe!

More from my cousin, he's a riot!

Importance of Walking

1/ Walking 20 minutes can add to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

2/ My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old...
and we haven't a clue where the hell he is.

3/ I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

4/ The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

5/ I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

6/ I=2
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
....apparently you have to actually go there.

7/ Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8/ I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9/ The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

10/ If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

11/ I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill was enough.

12/ We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our skulls.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

13/ Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave, I look fine

1) My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

2) My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

3) Saturday morning I got up early to go fishing, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and tip-toed into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started .....

------------ --------- --------- ---

4) I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed, and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

5) My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny & sleek that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- --------- -----

6) When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- -----

7) After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- -----

8) My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- -----

9) I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

10) A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....