Good for a laugh!

Too many of us dwell on the things we cannot control. Worry is an emotion to be avoided.
In my family we say we have inherited the worry gene, because my Mom is the worst and we all follow a close second.
Worry is counterproductive, it's not good for your well being and it accomplishes nothing. Well let me say that it does make some people sick.
So to me reading helps me escape my worries, and so does a good laugh.
Read these, feel better, stop worrying and live longer!

To everyone who is looking for an escape, go to The Wild Rose Press and buy my book, Tripping Through Time. A sweet and sensual escape to the past.
Following my first book I hope to soon release the sequel Burned Into Time, where a fiery crash is the turning point of a young woman's life. I think that the more I write the more I learn. That can only mean a better second book.

So laugh now!

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa".

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day, Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy. And good-bye Grandma."

The next day, grandmother died.

Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me... this morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!


A woman scanned the 20 guests at a party
and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She
approached him. "Hello" she said. "My name is Carmen Gold."
"That's a beautiful name" he said, "Is it a family name?"
"No", she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I
like most in life, Cars, Men and Fine Jewelry. "What's
your Name?" she asked. He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf."

Two Weeks With Autism

I never saw a prettier child. I say child although she is almost 16. She is my niece, my God child, my sister's beloved child, and she has Autism. My DH and I just spent two weeks with my sister and her two children. One is autistic and one has ADHD. My sister has her hands full, and what I planned as a vacation turned out to be an eye opening difficult time for all. I don't know how my sister can do it, all alone.
Years ago they would have just considered her retarded and placed her in an institution, where she would have lived her life mindlessly, drugged and forgotten. When I look at her beautiful face I am reminded of how innocent she is. No one knows what that frown means on her face, no one can read her, she is an enigma. What thoughts go through her head I wonder. Why does she lose her temper for no reason and begin to beat herself about the head with hard, closed, fists. She knows enough to throw a fit to get her way, but not to understand why she can't always have her way.
She recognizes the Dollar Store or Rite Aide, where she knows her mother will buy her comic books and crayons. She will tear the pages out and throw them on the floor, angry if you try to discard them. Her reasoning a mystery never to be unraveled.
I couldn't do it. She doesn't even know how to care for her personal needs. What would happen to her if my sister died. I know I couldn't handle her. What on earth would I do?
My sister is overprotective. I understand it, it's hard to watch, but I do understand it. If you give her whatever she wants she will be happy, but you will not. I try to tell her things, ideas, suggestions, but she won't listen. She over compensates for the divorce and I feel awful to say I know how he must feel. There is no fix for this problem. There is just a very pretty young woman who will never have a life, never fall in love, never be a real person, how sad. And a family torn apart by something they could not fix.
Autism is a terrible disease, affliction, mental disorder, whatever you want to call it. It has ruined the life of a young human child and of those around her.
A cure has to be found, or at least a way to prevent it. Imagine what she could have accomplished, if that little mind could have opened up to the world.
We have to fix this!!! Support the study for a cure.

More jokes from my cousin Dave

I will be back on July 1st. Everyone stay save, have fun, and be healthy. I am gonna go to Ela, North Carolina, in the Great Smokey Mountains. When I first drove through the mountains it was very easy to see why they call it that. I hope that I can sit in peace, read and write. Keep laughing it makes you feel a whole lot better. Be back soon!


Different Ways of Looking at Things:
> >
> >> Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and
> >> family values.
> >>
> >> Stu said, 'I
> >> didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
> >>
> >> Leroy replied,
> >> 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
> >> ---------------------------------------------------------
> >>
> >>
> >> 'Mr. Clark,
> >> I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge
> >> said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
> >>
> >> 'That's
> >> very fair, your honor,' the husband said, 'and every now and then I'll
> >> try to send her a few bucks myself.'
> >> ---------------------------------------------------------
> >> A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
> >> took her husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
> >> at all.'
> >>
> >> 'Me neither
> >> doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and she's really good
> >> with the kids.'
> >> -----------------------------------------------------------
> >> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
> >> has been living with for the last 40 years.
> >>
> >>
> >> The Wizard says,
> >> 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to
> >> put the curse on you.'
> >>
> >> The old man says
> >> without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
> >> ----------------------------------------------------------
> >> A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long
> >> it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
> >>
> >> The agent
> >> replies, 'Just a minute...'
> >>
> >> 'Thank
> >> you.' The blonde says and hangs up.
> >> ----------------------------------------------------------
> >>
> >>
> >> Moe: 'My
> >> wife got me to believe in religion.'
> >> Joe:
> >> 'Really?'
> >> Moe: 'Yeah.
> >> Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
> >> ----------------------------------------------------------
> >> A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
> >> asks him how he is feeling.
> >> 'I'm OK, but I
> >> didn't like the four letter words the doctor used in surgery,' he
> >> answered.
> >> 'What did he
> >> say,' asked the nurse.
> >> 'Oops!'
> >> -----------------------------------------------------------
> >> While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
> >> of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds
> >> since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my
> >> husband's advice.
> >> 'What do you
> >> think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
> >> 'Better get
> >> a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
> >> He's still
> >> in intensive care.
> >> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> >>
> >> The graveside
> >> service had just barely finished, when there was massive clap of
> >> thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
> >> even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
> >> The little old
> >> man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there!'

A little more laughter and good vibes!

Prayer for my daddy

"Dear God. This year for Christmas, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer, Amen."

This is one of the most interesting signs I have been informed about.

Sign in an INDIANA
store front window:

We WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000

AL
QAEDA TERRORISTS,

Than WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER!'

READ ON DON'T QUIT.

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Whiting, Indiana.
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory
statement.
However, we are a society which holds freedom of Speech as perhaps our
greatest liberty.
And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.

Answer:

Owen's Funeral Home

You
gotta love it!!!

Have a good one everyone, I will be back on July 1st, enjoy life and stay safe!

More from my cousin, he's a riot!

Importance of Walking

1/ Walking 20 minutes can add to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

2/ My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old...
and we haven't a clue where the hell he is.

3/ I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

4/ The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

5/ I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

6/ I=2
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
....apparently you have to actually go there.

7/ Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8/ I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9/ The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

10/ If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

11/ I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill was enough.

12/ We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our skulls.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

13/ Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave, I look fine

1) My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

2) My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

3) Saturday morning I got up early to go fishing, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and tip-toed into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started .....

------------ --------- --------- ---

4) I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed, and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

5) My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny & sleek that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- --------- -----

6) When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- -----

7) After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- -----

8) My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- -----

9) I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

10) A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

My Cousin Makes Me Laugh

A little known fact.... The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important. HUH? Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph… Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Ralph. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..... 'Ralph! Wake up! You shit the bed!' I could picture this happening to an old man! Ha!

The Economy Is So Bad... CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes. Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Motel Six won't leave the light on. The Mafia is laying off judges. And finally... Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, neat...the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear. Hmmmm!

North Carolina-Home Sweet Home

When I look at this picture I feel at home. There's something about the mountains that calls to my soul. The dense woods surround me when I walk down the road toward my small piece of land. Junior my dog is sleeping in the sun.
It's beautiful and we hope to build a small home there soon. The cabin is the place we rent when we go up there. It's just below our property on the mountain. I hope I have a view even close to these.

North Carolina-between Bryson City, and Cherokee I feel closer to heaven!
More pictures soon!

Why I love and write about Lake Champlain, Vermont

Writing for me is cathartic. I get to put my moods to use. I don't know about other writers, but I like to use familiar places for my stories. The places you grew up in. The places you visited that left a memory so strong you use it. I spent most of my childhood growing up in Burlington, and South Hero, Vermont and in Port Washington, and Wantagh, on Long Island in New York, and a year in High School, in Ottawa, Canada. Despite spending more time here in Florida, as an adult, then in any one of those places, I still feel more at home in one of them. What makes a place feel like home. There are people in all of the places I've lived that are important to me. But the one I have always felt closest to is Lake Champlain and South Hero, Vermont.
Maybe it's because I had cousins to hang with, maybe it was childhood itself, maybe because it was a time where I had less to worry about. I never had to worry about the mortgage, the FPL bill or how to pay for food. Everything was there for me.
But I think it was the lake. I remember being under water and opening my eyes to see a fish swim by. It was crystal clear and I'd watch the stones on the bottom go by as I swam. And I had imagination. I think that was the beginning of my love for Lake Champlain. I always had imagination, I could be whatever I wanted. A pirates captive, a mermaid, a girl pretending to be a boy so I could fight in one of those old forts on the lake shore. The lake was magic. And it is still in me. Now that makes me smile.

I'm Taking A Break From Promoting

Well I finally came to the decision that it was time to stop working on promoting my first book, entering contests, and reading and commenting on blogs. I have to start finishing my second book.
After reading and answering three or four different emails, I would read and comment on all the wonderful people I have met through writing. No one wants to write a blog and give a piece of themselves to people who never ever comment. Now I will admit it is a real time consuming thing. There are so many great writers whose blogs I go to. Talented, kind, genuine and honest people who teach me things, amuse me and fill my life with their fantastic books. I have so many I want to read, I could spend months doing that alone.
So, I have decided to kick my self in the butt, and stop everything except writing, my own blog, the few blogs I am hosting for the Pink Fuzzy Slipper Writers, and one or two interviews. I have this wonderful tale in my head. Of pain, fright, tenderness, romance and the will to be what you are meant to be. I will do it in the past by the use of a special magic Celtic ring just like in my first book. Hopefully, I have learned and grown in my writing skills, and this one will be even better. I expect you all to let me know.
Cheers for now...I will be back soon.

I leave you with the gift of laughter. My very favorite gift.

SENIOR DRESS CODE

Many of us on the way to 50, over 50, & WAY over 50, are quite
confused
about how we should present ourselves.


We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or
not we
are correct as we try to conform to current fashion. In spite of what
you may
have seen on the streets, the following combinations, DO NOT go together
and
should be avoided:


1. A nose ring and bifocals.
2. Spiked hair and bald spots.
3. A pierced tongue and dentures.
4. Miniskirts and support hose.
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
6. Speedo's and cellulite.
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge.
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist.
11. Bikinis and liver spots.
12. Short shorts and varicose veins.
13. In-line skates and a walker...


And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion
for the older folks...

14. Thongs and Depends!

And this for a second laugh!

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of used men's work boots, size 14-16 .
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Back in an hour.. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter

Love you guys.

I Want To Make You Smile! I don't care if you dance as long as you're laughing

Junior always wears a smile, my doggy, he's so cool! Below are some amusing comments, I hope you laugh!


Now mind you this came from a male cousin and just goes to prove that men still...do not get it!!!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry


By all means marry.. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud


Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison


'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH.......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

This came from the same cousin, after I told him what a dope he is!

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room=2 0and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Proofreading, a dead art

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

-----------------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

---------------------------------------- -----------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
------------------------------------------------
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

*******************************************

And the winner is.....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

***************************************************



Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!

More smiles for you all!

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION ... 10 MILES



He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION ... 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION ... NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.



The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:



GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

Next One:


"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

What to do when you don't know what to do.

The Four Cats Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.' T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was pretty good! But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.' Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?' The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'Coffee Break, do your stuff.' Coffee Break jumped to his feet....... ate the cookies........
drank the milk....... shit on the paper....... screwed the other three cats....... claimed he injured his back while doing so....... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions....... put in for Workers' Compensation...............and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONEWANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

When you don't know what to do laugh!!! It does a body good. Ha!

Let's talk to Emma Lai!

I met TWRP's lovely Emma Lai on the loop. From day one I have watched her take her precious time and comment on peoples blogs. Emma is a true sweetheart and one great author. Her inner beauty shines in her words and in her way of looking at life.
We are all lucky to have her. Welcome Emma!


Blurb:

Ellie Woods is in love…with a ship. When an argument with the ship results in a bump on the head, she finds herself in the strong arms of Alastair. But who is he and where did he come from?
Alastair has loved Ellie from afar for years, but duty has kept him from revealing himself to her. When a grave threat reveals his true identity, he hopes that Ellie will choose reality over fantasy.

Excerpt:


She fought to stay aware by focusing her gaze on the intriguing cleft in her rescuer’s chin. After a few moments, she tried to tilt her head back to get a look at the rest of his face, but the action made her dizzy once again. She gave up with a sigh and relaxed against his firm, broad chest.

She shrugged. Chances were she would not recognize him anyway. Over two hundred people served on the ship. She knew the dozen or so engineers who worked the first and third rotations and maybe another dozen crewmates by sight, others who worked the same rotation and happened to eat their meals in solitary silence at the same time she did. She would guess from the fact that he had to ask her name that he was not any of those two dozen individuals.

Maybe she should not have told him her real name. At least that way, when he talked about finding a woman helpless in the bowels of the ship, no one would have known who it was. Yeah, right, whom was she trying to fool? She was the sole person assigned duty to this area during fourth rotation. Her breath caught, and she stiffened in his arms. Who was he, and what was he doing in a restricted area?

“Relax,” he said.

“Who are you?” She tried to sit up in his arms, determined to get a look at him and an answer to her question.

He lifted her higher in his arms, which wedged her head between his head and shoulder and prevented her from getting a good look at his face. “Alastair.” His warm breath fluttered against her forehead and cheek.



Bio:

Emma uses her writing as an outlet for the myriad of thoughts that crowd her overactive mind. In addition to Mates of the Guardians, a series of short stories focusing on a mysterious group of individuals on a quest to save the universe and their search for love, she is working on a contemporary romance book and a science fiction/fantasy book series. She also has more plans for the Guardians. However, there is no telling what else she will literally dream up.



Are you a plotter or a panster?
All of my stories to date have been written via the seat of my pants. I planted my bottom in my chair and typed out the scenes that I dreamed up and let the characters have their heads. After delving into the Mates of the Guardians series, I discovered the value in plotting. I'm not saying that I'm going to be a dedicated plotter, but I'm carefully finishing up the Mates of the Guardians series with the knowledge that it will affect a book that I'm working on.


How long had you been writing before publishing your first book?
I just started writing fiction in June of 2008 to help me relax after finishing a writing intensive Masters program. (For the degree, I was writing one or two 15-20 page in-depth research papers every ten weeks.) However, I didn't get serious about trying my hand at writing for publication until November of 2008. I got lucky with my first short story submission, which was accepted by The Wild Rose Press a month after I submitted it. WOW and YAY!


What do love to do in your free time?
I read a lot, but what I really love to do is spend time with my husband. I know it sounds sappy, but it's true. We hang out together and just talk or go to the movies. He's one of the most interesting people that I know and keeps me inspired.


Is your husband and family supportive of your writing career?
Definitely. My mother-in-law is the one who encouraged me to submit, and my husband bugged me until I did. The rest of the family think I'm brave for sticking my neck out there even though they don't necessarily read romance.


Who is your own favorite author, and what do you like to read?
That's a really hard question. I have tons of favorite authors in a variety of genres. Some of my favorite classical authors include Lewis Carroll, Jane Austen, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and George Orwell. In fantasy, I'm following the Malazan Book of the Fallen Series by Steven Erickson. The man is a master at world building on an almost incomprehensible scale. I also follow Raymond E. Feist. My favorites of his were the Serpentwar Saga and Empire Series, which he wrote with Janny Wurts. For mystery, I read the Pepper Martin Series by Casey Daniels...who doesn't love a sassy woman who solves mysteries for ghosts? For historical fiction, I'm reading books by Anne Easter Smith. For Regency romance, I follow Stephanie Laurens, Lisa Kleypas, and Victoria Alexander, but they are by no means the only ones I read. For paranormal romance, I read J.R. Ward's Black Dagger Brotherhood Series. I also read many of the authors who write for The Wild Rose Press. You can check out my author interviews to see who I'm currently reading.


What are you working on now?
I'm working on edits for the second story in the Mates of the Guardians series, currently titled HIS HOPE, HER SALVATION. Hopefully, it will be followed by HER FANTASY LOVER; HIS LIGHT, HER SHADOW; and HER WARRIOR'S LOVE which are all in progress. I also want to complete a contemporary romance I've been working on as well as a young adult fantasy.


How much research do you do for your books?
I probably spend about a third of my time on research. This includes looking at period clothing, politics, and manners; astronomy; and mythology. When I'm not writing a particular piece I still read history books and mythology books with an eye out for possible story ideas.

Let's all take the time to comment on Emma's blog and let the sweetheart of TWRP know how much we care about her. And let's all read one fabulous story!

For those of you blog hopping the next site is http://mizging.blogspot.com
Have fun finding those eggs and enjoy your prizes. From me an ebook copy of my own Tripping Through Time. Good luck with Skyhe's wonderful contest. No egg here!

You can find Emma at the sites below. Love you Emma!

Emma Lai (emmalaiwrites@yahoo.com)
http://emmalaiwrites.blogspot.com
http://www.emmalaiwrites.com/
His Ship, Her Fantasy - coming August 12th from The Wild Rose Press

More laughs!!

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written An impressive new book.. It's called ........ 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People' 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink And be Mary.. 3. The difference between the Pope and Your boss, the Pope only expects you To kiss his ring. 4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant Flash and it is gone. 5. The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom. 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and That ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 7. It used to be only death and taxes Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 9 My next house will have no kitchen - just Vending machines and a large trash can. 10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my Mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.' 11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex. 12. As you slide down the banister of life, may The splinters never point the wrong way. Getting a hairdryer through customs... A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' 'Of course, child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

You all need to laugh more!

Being happy is a choice, so is laughter, smiles and pleasant attitudes.
Choose wisely! MCMR


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.


One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.



This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.


Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?




Bail Out According to Maxine

"BAIL EM OUT! ????
Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"




stress (stres) n. A condition. When a person's mind overcomes the body's desire to choke the living daylights out of someone who desperately deserves it.


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,

and all the patients were shouting, 13.... 13... 13.

The fence was too high to see over,


but I saw a little gap in the planks


and looked through to see what was going on.


Some jerk poked me in the eye with a stick.


Then they all started shouting, 14... 14... 14.

So Much Fun

Well I gotta tell you, the High Tea was wonderful. The place was full of laughing, talking, and eating women. I was afraid that they might not have enough to eat. But the food was plentiful and it tastes and looked fantastic.

They brought a service tray that had three tiers. After a delicate and tasty soup with tiny bits of chicken, celery, carrots and scallions in a flavorful base. And a crusty warm loaf of bread with butter. On the bottom tier was a warm cranberry orange scone, served with clotted cream, lemon curd and raspberry curd. Yummy. Then the middle tier had plenty of nicely presented finger sandwiches on delicious fresh breads, cut into special shapes. There was tuna, chicken salad, (it had very, very thin slices of apple, and mmmmmm), egg salad, tomato and a cream cheese herb spread, and of course the crisp cucumber sandwich with another tasty spread on it. The tray overflowed with the delicate sandwiches and if you wanted more, all you had to do was ask. The lip smacking said it all. On the top tier was desert; Petit fours, small chocolate brownie type cakes, little coconut soft cookies, the best tiny eclairs and cream puffs, those dainty meringue cookies, and a whole bunch of other things. The desert tray was so full, there was a lot leftover. And tea, whatever kind you wanted, they couldn't bring it out fast enough.

The talking, the laughter, the smiles and spring dresses, the hat,(Joanne, I wish I'd thought of that), and the genuine pleasure on everyone's faces, thrilled me. I felt a great sense of accomplishment and happiness to have pleased so many people. In these times, events like this help us to forget our problems and get away from it all. At our table we had a group pinkie's up toast!

Just having the opportunity to make that many people happy that they came, was worth every minute of worry and all the time it took to arrange it. I am so glad that everyone had a great time. That is the best part of it all for me. Everyone had fun!!
And that, makes me happy.

Make 'em laugh!

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'. The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is.. A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ... Now give me back my dog. I needed a laugh. How about you. I will let you know how the signing went. Wish me luck!

Just Thinking

Yesterday I watched the news and saw a story about a young English family with two children.
They had both lost their jobs at Woolworth's and are about to lose their home.
Catie Curic hugged the woman and tried to comfort her by telling her things will get better. I pray they will.
The stagnant loss of our pride and livelihoods has made a hole in the heart of the entire world. Our failures became world failure. A few greedy people, a lot of stupidity, and arrogance, has driven our entire planet into a fugue that will take years to come out of. There is blame to go all around. But very little repentance of any kind. The road to hell is also paved.
I hope that family makes it. I hope we all make it. I wish for world peace. I...
I have no say in any of it. All I can do is cry with that English mom, who may end up homeless. Because we, allowed it to happen.
Let's all try to stop the wave that threatens to drown our world. Start at home with a bit of kindness, a helping hand, a little Ward Clever would help.

Please don't forget if you are in the area. Come to the Serenity Garden Tea House on Saturday, in West Palm Beach, Fl. Just to even say hello. Come have a pot of tea with us and laugh. That's what I want to do.

Book Signing

Well I am back to promoting my book signing. Myself and five other authors are hosting it at The Serenity Garden Tea House in West Palm Beach Florida.
This place is so cool. Even if you don't give a darn about the books, it's such a fun thing to have high tea. Every time I go there I see a pattern of china some relative had when I was a kid.
And the food, whew, it's wonderful. Those little tea sandwiches are the best. Along with warm homemade scones, your favorite tea, soup, desert. A real deal and a fun time. We hope everyone mingles and has the best fun ever. Now that would make me happy. The Palm Beach post just listed our event in the Accent section. Gosh I hope a lot of people come and we raise the joint in laughter.
Love to see you there, please come!

Only the Irish are allowed to tell these jokes!

Irish Bagpiper As a young bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul. As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd never played before: From My Home and The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I never seen nothin' like that before--and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."