I Want To Make You Smile! I don't care if you dance as long as you're laughing

Junior always wears a smile, my doggy, he's so cool! Below are some amusing comments, I hope you laugh!


Now mind you this came from a male cousin and just goes to prove that men still...do not get it!!!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry


By all means marry.. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud


Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison


'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH.......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

This came from the same cousin, after I told him what a dope he is!

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room=2 0and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.


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Proofreading, a dead art

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

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And the winner is.....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

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Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!

More smiles for you all!

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION ... 10 MILES



He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION ... 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION ... NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.



The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:



GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

Next One:


"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

What to do when you don't know what to do.

The Four Cats Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.' T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was pretty good! But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.' Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?' The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'Coffee Break, do your stuff.' Coffee Break jumped to his feet....... ate the cookies........
drank the milk....... shit on the paper....... screwed the other three cats....... claimed he injured his back while doing so....... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions....... put in for Workers' Compensation...............and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONEWANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

When you don't know what to do laugh!!! It does a body good. Ha!

Let's talk to Emma Lai!

I met TWRP's lovely Emma Lai on the loop. From day one I have watched her take her precious time and comment on peoples blogs. Emma is a true sweetheart and one great author. Her inner beauty shines in her words and in her way of looking at life.
We are all lucky to have her. Welcome Emma!


Blurb:

Ellie Woods is in love…with a ship. When an argument with the ship results in a bump on the head, she finds herself in the strong arms of Alastair. But who is he and where did he come from?
Alastair has loved Ellie from afar for years, but duty has kept him from revealing himself to her. When a grave threat reveals his true identity, he hopes that Ellie will choose reality over fantasy.

Excerpt:


She fought to stay aware by focusing her gaze on the intriguing cleft in her rescuer’s chin. After a few moments, she tried to tilt her head back to get a look at the rest of his face, but the action made her dizzy once again. She gave up with a sigh and relaxed against his firm, broad chest.

She shrugged. Chances were she would not recognize him anyway. Over two hundred people served on the ship. She knew the dozen or so engineers who worked the first and third rotations and maybe another dozen crewmates by sight, others who worked the same rotation and happened to eat their meals in solitary silence at the same time she did. She would guess from the fact that he had to ask her name that he was not any of those two dozen individuals.

Maybe she should not have told him her real name. At least that way, when he talked about finding a woman helpless in the bowels of the ship, no one would have known who it was. Yeah, right, whom was she trying to fool? She was the sole person assigned duty to this area during fourth rotation. Her breath caught, and she stiffened in his arms. Who was he, and what was he doing in a restricted area?

“Relax,” he said.

“Who are you?” She tried to sit up in his arms, determined to get a look at him and an answer to her question.

He lifted her higher in his arms, which wedged her head between his head and shoulder and prevented her from getting a good look at his face. “Alastair.” His warm breath fluttered against her forehead and cheek.



Bio:

Emma uses her writing as an outlet for the myriad of thoughts that crowd her overactive mind. In addition to Mates of the Guardians, a series of short stories focusing on a mysterious group of individuals on a quest to save the universe and their search for love, she is working on a contemporary romance book and a science fiction/fantasy book series. She also has more plans for the Guardians. However, there is no telling what else she will literally dream up.



Are you a plotter or a panster?
All of my stories to date have been written via the seat of my pants. I planted my bottom in my chair and typed out the scenes that I dreamed up and let the characters have their heads. After delving into the Mates of the Guardians series, I discovered the value in plotting. I'm not saying that I'm going to be a dedicated plotter, but I'm carefully finishing up the Mates of the Guardians series with the knowledge that it will affect a book that I'm working on.


How long had you been writing before publishing your first book?
I just started writing fiction in June of 2008 to help me relax after finishing a writing intensive Masters program. (For the degree, I was writing one or two 15-20 page in-depth research papers every ten weeks.) However, I didn't get serious about trying my hand at writing for publication until November of 2008. I got lucky with my first short story submission, which was accepted by The Wild Rose Press a month after I submitted it. WOW and YAY!


What do love to do in your free time?
I read a lot, but what I really love to do is spend time with my husband. I know it sounds sappy, but it's true. We hang out together and just talk or go to the movies. He's one of the most interesting people that I know and keeps me inspired.


Is your husband and family supportive of your writing career?
Definitely. My mother-in-law is the one who encouraged me to submit, and my husband bugged me until I did. The rest of the family think I'm brave for sticking my neck out there even though they don't necessarily read romance.


Who is your own favorite author, and what do you like to read?
That's a really hard question. I have tons of favorite authors in a variety of genres. Some of my favorite classical authors include Lewis Carroll, Jane Austen, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and George Orwell. In fantasy, I'm following the Malazan Book of the Fallen Series by Steven Erickson. The man is a master at world building on an almost incomprehensible scale. I also follow Raymond E. Feist. My favorites of his were the Serpentwar Saga and Empire Series, which he wrote with Janny Wurts. For mystery, I read the Pepper Martin Series by Casey Daniels...who doesn't love a sassy woman who solves mysteries for ghosts? For historical fiction, I'm reading books by Anne Easter Smith. For Regency romance, I follow Stephanie Laurens, Lisa Kleypas, and Victoria Alexander, but they are by no means the only ones I read. For paranormal romance, I read J.R. Ward's Black Dagger Brotherhood Series. I also read many of the authors who write for The Wild Rose Press. You can check out my author interviews to see who I'm currently reading.


What are you working on now?
I'm working on edits for the second story in the Mates of the Guardians series, currently titled HIS HOPE, HER SALVATION. Hopefully, it will be followed by HER FANTASY LOVER; HIS LIGHT, HER SHADOW; and HER WARRIOR'S LOVE which are all in progress. I also want to complete a contemporary romance I've been working on as well as a young adult fantasy.


How much research do you do for your books?
I probably spend about a third of my time on research. This includes looking at period clothing, politics, and manners; astronomy; and mythology. When I'm not writing a particular piece I still read history books and mythology books with an eye out for possible story ideas.

Let's all take the time to comment on Emma's blog and let the sweetheart of TWRP know how much we care about her. And let's all read one fabulous story!

For those of you blog hopping the next site is http://mizging.blogspot.com
Have fun finding those eggs and enjoy your prizes. From me an ebook copy of my own Tripping Through Time. Good luck with Skyhe's wonderful contest. No egg here!

You can find Emma at the sites below. Love you Emma!

Emma Lai (emmalaiwrites@yahoo.com)
http://emmalaiwrites.blogspot.com
http://www.emmalaiwrites.com/
His Ship, Her Fantasy - coming August 12th from The Wild Rose Press

More laughs!!

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written An impressive new book.. It's called ........ 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People' 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink And be Mary.. 3. The difference between the Pope and Your boss, the Pope only expects you To kiss his ring. 4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant Flash and it is gone. 5. The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom. 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and That ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 7. It used to be only death and taxes Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 9 My next house will have no kitchen - just Vending machines and a large trash can. 10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my Mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.' 11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex. 12. As you slide down the banister of life, may The splinters never point the wrong way. Getting a hairdryer through customs... A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' 'Of course, child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

You all need to laugh more!

Being happy is a choice, so is laughter, smiles and pleasant attitudes.
Choose wisely! MCMR


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.


One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.



This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.


Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?




Bail Out According to Maxine

"BAIL EM OUT! ????
Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"




stress (stres) n. A condition. When a person's mind overcomes the body's desire to choke the living daylights out of someone who desperately deserves it.


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,

and all the patients were shouting, 13.... 13... 13.

The fence was too high to see over,


but I saw a little gap in the planks


and looked through to see what was going on.


Some jerk poked me in the eye with a stick.


Then they all started shouting, 14... 14... 14.

So Much Fun

Well I gotta tell you, the High Tea was wonderful. The place was full of laughing, talking, and eating women. I was afraid that they might not have enough to eat. But the food was plentiful and it tastes and looked fantastic.

They brought a service tray that had three tiers. After a delicate and tasty soup with tiny bits of chicken, celery, carrots and scallions in a flavorful base. And a crusty warm loaf of bread with butter. On the bottom tier was a warm cranberry orange scone, served with clotted cream, lemon curd and raspberry curd. Yummy. Then the middle tier had plenty of nicely presented finger sandwiches on delicious fresh breads, cut into special shapes. There was tuna, chicken salad, (it had very, very thin slices of apple, and mmmmmm), egg salad, tomato and a cream cheese herb spread, and of course the crisp cucumber sandwich with another tasty spread on it. The tray overflowed with the delicate sandwiches and if you wanted more, all you had to do was ask. The lip smacking said it all. On the top tier was desert; Petit fours, small chocolate brownie type cakes, little coconut soft cookies, the best tiny eclairs and cream puffs, those dainty meringue cookies, and a whole bunch of other things. The desert tray was so full, there was a lot leftover. And tea, whatever kind you wanted, they couldn't bring it out fast enough.

The talking, the laughter, the smiles and spring dresses, the hat,(Joanne, I wish I'd thought of that), and the genuine pleasure on everyone's faces, thrilled me. I felt a great sense of accomplishment and happiness to have pleased so many people. In these times, events like this help us to forget our problems and get away from it all. At our table we had a group pinkie's up toast!

Just having the opportunity to make that many people happy that they came, was worth every minute of worry and all the time it took to arrange it. I am so glad that everyone had a great time. That is the best part of it all for me. Everyone had fun!!
And that, makes me happy.

Make 'em laugh!

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'. The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is.. A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ... Now give me back my dog. I needed a laugh. How about you. I will let you know how the signing went. Wish me luck!

Just Thinking

Yesterday I watched the news and saw a story about a young English family with two children.
They had both lost their jobs at Woolworth's and are about to lose their home.
Catie Curic hugged the woman and tried to comfort her by telling her things will get better. I pray they will.
The stagnant loss of our pride and livelihoods has made a hole in the heart of the entire world. Our failures became world failure. A few greedy people, a lot of stupidity, and arrogance, has driven our entire planet into a fugue that will take years to come out of. There is blame to go all around. But very little repentance of any kind. The road to hell is also paved.
I hope that family makes it. I hope we all make it. I wish for world peace. I...
I have no say in any of it. All I can do is cry with that English mom, who may end up homeless. Because we, allowed it to happen.
Let's all try to stop the wave that threatens to drown our world. Start at home with a bit of kindness, a helping hand, a little Ward Clever would help.

Please don't forget if you are in the area. Come to the Serenity Garden Tea House on Saturday, in West Palm Beach, Fl. Just to even say hello. Come have a pot of tea with us and laugh. That's what I want to do.