Friday, May 29, 2009

More from my cousin, he's a riot!

Importance of Walking

1/ Walking 20 minutes can add to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

2/ My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old...
and we haven't a clue where the hell he is.

3/ I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

4/ The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

5/ I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

6/ I=2
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
....apparently you have to actually go there.

7/ Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8/ I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9/ The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

10/ If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

11/ I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill was enough.

12/ We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our skulls.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


13/ Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave, I look fine

1) My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

2) My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

3) Saturday morning I got up early to go fishing, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and tip-toed into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started .....

------------ --------- --------- ---

4) I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed, and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....


5) My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny & sleek that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- --------- -----

6) When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- -----

7) After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- -----

8) My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- -----

9) I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

10) A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Thursday, May 21, 2009

My Cousin Makes Me Laugh

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping
wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in
your sleep, Ralph…

Ralph was stunned.

'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back,
and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near
his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and
pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your
first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of
his head, and heard his wife yell.....

'Ralph! Wake up! You shit the bed!'

I could picture this happening to an old man! Ha!

The Economy Is So Bad...
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Motel Six won't leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
And finally...
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, neat...the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.


Saturday, May 16, 2009

North Carolina-Home Sweet Home

When I look at this picture I feel at home. There's something about the mountains that calls to my soul. The dense woods surround me when I walk down the road toward my small piece of land. Junior my dog is sleeping in the sun.
It's beautiful and we hope to build a small home there soon. The cabin is the place we rent when we go up there. It's just below our property on the mountain. I hope I have a view even close to these.

North Carolina-between Bryson City, and Cherokee I feel closer to heaven!
More pictures soon!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Why I love and write about Lake Champlain, Vermont

Writing for me is cathartic. I get to put my moods to use. I don't know about other writers, but I like to use familiar places for my stories. The places you grew up in. The places you visited that left a memory so strong you use it. I spent most of my childhood growing up in Burlington, and South Hero, Vermont and in Port Washington, and Wantagh, on Long Island in New York, and a year in High School, in Ottawa, Canada. Despite spending more time here in Florida, as an adult, then in any one of those places, I still feel more at home in one of them. What makes a place feel like home. There are people in all of the places I've lived that are important to me. But the one I have always felt closest to is Lake Champlain and South Hero, Vermont.
Maybe it's because I had cousins to hang with, maybe it was childhood itself, maybe because it was a time where I had less to worry about. I never had to worry about the mortgage, the FPL bill or how to pay for food. Everything was there for me.
But I think it was the lake. I remember being under water and opening my eyes to see a fish swim by. It was crystal clear and I'd watch the stones on the bottom go by as I swam. And I had imagination. I think that was the beginning of my love for Lake Champlain. I always had imagination, I could be whatever I wanted. A pirates captive, a mermaid, a girl pretending to be a boy so I could fight in one of those old forts on the lake shore. The lake was magic. And it is still in me. Now that makes me smile.

Monday, May 4, 2009

I'm Taking A Break From Promoting

Well I finally came to the decision that it was time to stop working on promoting my first book, entering contests, and reading and commenting on blogs. I have to start finishing my second book.
After reading and answering three or four different emails, I would read and comment on all the wonderful people I have met through writing. No one wants to write a blog and give a piece of themselves to people who never ever comment. Now I will admit it is a real time consuming thing. There are so many great writers whose blogs I go to. Talented, kind, genuine and honest people who teach me things, amuse me and fill my life with their fantastic books. I have so many I want to read, I could spend months doing that alone.
So, I have decided to kick my self in the butt, and stop everything except writing, my own blog, the few blogs I am hosting for the Pink Fuzzy Slipper Writers, and one or two interviews. I have this wonderful tale in my head. Of pain, fright, tenderness, romance and the will to be what you are meant to be. I will do it in the past by the use of a special magic Celtic ring just like in my first book. Hopefully, I have learned and grown in my writing skills, and this one will be even better. I expect you all to let me know.
Cheers for now...I will be back soon.

I leave you with the gift of laughter. My very favorite gift.


Many of us on the way to 50, over 50, & WAY over 50, are quite
about how we should present ourselves.

We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or
not we
are correct as we try to conform to current fashion. In spite of what
you may
have seen on the streets, the following combinations, DO NOT go together
should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals.
2. Spiked hair and bald spots.
3. A pierced tongue and dentures.
4. Miniskirts and support hose.
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
6. Speedo's and cellulite.
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge.
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist.
11. Bikinis and liver spots.
12. Short shorts and varicose veins.
13. In-line skates and a walker...

And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion
for the older folks...

14. Thongs and Depends!

And this for a second laugh!


1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of used men's work boots, size 14-16 .
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:


Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Back in an hour.. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Love you guys.