Thursday, July 30, 2009

Time for a new post. Note- Laughter here again!

I love the jokes my cousin Dave sends me. He always made me laugh.

Just try reading this without laughing...

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun.......
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on
your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??


Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
The face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best.. .?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say,
'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst
just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of
smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

Ain't that JUST LIKE A MAN. Ha!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

These both made me laugh!!


For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade......'

Notable Tombstones

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And one who can enjoy browsing fascinating thoughts on old tombstones in old cemeteries...

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :

Born 1903--Died 1942.

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the

car was on the way down.

It was.


In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist,

all dressed up and no place to go.


On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in

East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.

Only The Good Die Young.


In a London , England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann,

Who lived an old maid

but died an old Mann.

Dec. 8, 1767


In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:

Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread,

And the Lord sent them manna.

Clark Wallace wanted a wife,

And the Devil sent him Anna.


In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast....

Pardon him for not rising.


In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.

Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.


In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger

But slow on the draw.


A lawyer's epitaph in England :

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,

and that is Strange..


John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,

England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,

Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.


In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :

On the 22nd of June,

Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.


Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,


Here lies the body of our Anna,

Done to death by a banana.

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,

But the skin of the thing that made her go.


On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,


Under the sod and under the trees,

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod.

Pease shelled out and went to God.


In a cemetery in England :

Remember man, as you walk by,

As you are now, so once was I

As I am now, so shall you be.

Remember this and follow me.


To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent.

Until I know which way you went.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

One Lovely Blog Award for Me!!

Today I am passing along a gift from Dayana Knight to three special people, three out of many. Thank you so much! Here are the "rules" that go along with it:

1. Accept the award, along with the person's name who gave it to you and their blog link.

2. Pass the award to other blogs.

3. Remember to contact the other bloggers to let them know they've been chosen for the award.

I'm passing this along to Emma, Lyn, and Beth.

Congratulations, Ladies, you deserve it! I think I'll try to add the image to my website!

Monday, July 13, 2009

It feels so good to laugh!

I know when I laugh everything is better. For awhile I forget all the junk that weighs us down in life. I forget my problems and things are just easier to accomplish. Here's hopin' you get a kick out of these jokes. I want you to smile.
Thanks again David. You make us all happier!

Household Hints by Martha Stewart and some common sense alternatives!
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes

Buy mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'

If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks..

Celery? Never heard of it!

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.

Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!


The jokes below reflect my cousin's male approach to life. But they still make me laugh. By the way, he hasn't found a woman who will fulfill all of his dreams. Wonder why Dave?

What's in a Name?
A woman scanned the 20 guests at a party
and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She
approached him. "Hello" she said. "My name is Carmen Gold."
"That's a beautiful name" he said, "Is it a family name?"
"No", she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I
like most in life, Cars, Men and Fine Jewelry. "What's
your Name?" she asked. He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to
time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each

That ends my jokes for today blog.

Thanks everyone for reading my blog. I hope you laugh!!!

Friday, July 10, 2009

My Cousin And More Jokes

My cousin Dave is a nut. A fun nut. He would do the craziest things when we were kids and he always made me laugh. One time he drove us right into Lake Champlain on his motorcycle. It really was cool flying through the air, but I don't know about the bike.
He was the king of making faces, he still is. Whenever I was with him we usually got into trouble somehow. But I loved it. Here's to you Dave, (by the way they're your jokes).

An older lady gets pulled over for
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Ma'am, you were speeding
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers
Older Woman: I can't do that.

Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car
and calls for back up. Within 5

police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car,
clasping his half drawn gun

2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out
of her vehicle.

woman: Is there a problem sir?

2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered
the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty

2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite

2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to
the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite

2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license,
that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding,

Mess With Old Ladies

A strawberry blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass
She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!
WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!

To all the cousins we hung with when we were kids. We had fun didn't we?

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Good for a laugh!

Too many of us dwell on the things we cannot control. Worry is an emotion to be avoided.
In my family we say we have inherited the worry gene, because my Mom is the worst and we all follow a close second.
Worry is counterproductive, it's not good for your well being and it accomplishes nothing. Well let me say that it does make some people sick.
So to me reading helps me escape my worries, and so does a good laugh.
Read these, feel better, stop worrying and live longer!

To everyone who is looking for an escape, go to The Wild Rose Press and buy my book, Tripping Through Time. A sweet and sensual escape to the past.
Following my first book I hope to soon release the sequel Burned Into Time, where a fiery crash is the turning point of a young woman's life. I think that the more I write the more I learn. That can only mean a better second book.

So laugh now!

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa".

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day, Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy. And good-bye Grandma."

The next day, grandmother died.

Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me... this morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

A woman scanned the 20 guests at a party
and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She
approached him. "Hello" she said. "My name is Carmen Gold."
"That's a beautiful name" he said, "Is it a family name?"
"No", she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I
like most in life, Cars, Men and Fine Jewelry. "What's
your Name?" she asked. He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf."

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Two Weeks With Autism

I never saw a prettier child. I say child although she is almost 16. She is my niece, my God child, my sister's beloved child, and she has Autism. My DH and I just spent two weeks with my sister and her two children. One is autistic and one has ADHD. My sister has her hands full, and what I planned as a vacation turned out to be an eye opening difficult time for all. I don't know how my sister can do it, all alone.
Years ago they would have just considered her retarded and placed her in an institution, where she would have lived her life mindlessly, drugged and forgotten. When I look at her beautiful face I am reminded of how innocent she is. No one knows what that frown means on her face, no one can read her, she is an enigma. What thoughts go through her head I wonder. Why does she lose her temper for no reason and begin to beat herself about the head with hard, closed, fists. She knows enough to throw a fit to get her way, but not to understand why she can't always have her way.
She recognizes the Dollar Store or Rite Aide, where she knows her mother will buy her comic books and crayons. She will tear the pages out and throw them on the floor, angry if you try to discard them. Her reasoning a mystery never to be unraveled.
I couldn't do it. She doesn't even know how to care for her personal needs. What would happen to her if my sister died. I know I couldn't handle her. What on earth would I do?
My sister is overprotective. I understand it, it's hard to watch, but I do understand it. If you give her whatever she wants she will be happy, but you will not. I try to tell her things, ideas, suggestions, but she won't listen. She over compensates for the divorce and I feel awful to say I know how he must feel. There is no fix for this problem. There is just a very pretty young woman who will never have a life, never fall in love, never be a real person, how sad. And a family torn apart by something they could not fix.
Autism is a terrible disease, affliction, mental disorder, whatever you want to call it. It has ruined the life of a young human child and of those around her.
A cure has to be found, or at least a way to prevent it. Imagine what she could have accomplished, if that little mind could have opened up to the world.
We have to fix this!!! Support the study for a cure.