Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I promise to do better!

I haven't blogged forever. I promise to do better. In the meantime here's a chuckle!
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.
Be well friends and readers! More will come!

Friday, April 29, 2011

Psychics, do you believe?

No fancy pictures today because I am gonna tell you about my psychic experience!
I had a reading. The very first thing she said is that she saw money all around me. Where????
She did say that my second book was fantastic, Hmmm, I was gonna make a lot and sell it very soon.
But what was most interesting was the spirits she saw around me. She picked up on my grandmother and she told me a few things. She said my grannie was squeezing my cheeks and doing the Woo, Woo, that the last pope used to do. Well I'll tell you I got the chills. Cause she always did that.
She told me my aunt was there, the great cook. The one who taught me how to. Wow!!
That there was a baby girl there with them and she is happy. Now I never had any children so this one tripped me up. Until I got the chills when my sister yelled, "It's Lauren!!" The daughter she lost at birth. Freaky eh?
She talked about land I had near Maggie Valley in NC. The reason we have had so much trouble is that the place is haunted by angry spirits!!! That I will sell it and move somewhere else, the spirits would never allow us to be happy, just like the people that live there now. And let me tell you they all fight!!
Over nonsense!
But the thing that touched me the most was when she talked about my father. She got him right off, the force of his personality set her back. She told me he was sorry. Now, many times in my life I have tried to get my father to say that. He never would. She said he was abusive, but that he wanted me to know that was all he knew. She said he loved me and that he wished he'd acted differently. What hit me like a rock was when she said he was proud of me. Very. That would be a first if it were true. He was a rough taskmaster and his idea of respect was if you were afraid of him. But for the first time in my life. I heard those words. And I hope in my heart that they are true words. Cause then I could go on and forget the bad things. So what do you think, is she for real? What do you all think. Do you believe???

Sunday, February 27, 2011

I'll be back soon!

I'll be draggin' myself back soon!  In the meantime!

> Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.  One
> night the 96-year-old draws a bath.  She puts her foot in and pauses. 
> She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
> The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know.  I'll come up and see.' 
> She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or
> down?
> The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
> to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get
> that forgetful, knock on wood.'  She then yells, 'I'll come up and
> help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
> Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
> March day.  One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn't it?”
> “No,” the second man replied, “it's Thursday.”
> And the third man chimed in, “So am I.  Let's have a beer.”
> A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing
> home.  As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and
> say“Supersex.”
> She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.  Flipping her gown
> at him, she said, “Supersex.”
> He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I'll take
> the soup.”
> Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.  Over the
> years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. 
> Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
> week to play cards.
> One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
> said, “Now don't get mad at me.  I know we've been friends for a long
> time, but I just can't think of your name!  I've thought and thought,
> but I can't remember it.  Please tell me what your name is.”
> Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she just stared
> and glared at her.  Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?” 
> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
> rang.
> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning
> him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
> wrong way on Interstate 77.   Please be careful!”
> “Heck,” said Herman, “It's not just one car.  It's hundreds of
> them!”
> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely
> see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along, they came to an
> intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
> The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing
> it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'  After a
> few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was
> red.  Again, they went right through.  The woman in the passenger seat
> was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned
> that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous.
> At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they
> went on through.  So, she turned to the other woman and
> said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights
> in a row?  You could have killed us both!”
> Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving?”