Book Signing

Well I am back to promoting my book signing. Myself and five other authors are hosting it at The Serenity Garden Tea House in West Palm Beach Florida.
This place is so cool. Even if you don't give a darn about the books, it's such a fun thing to have high tea. Every time I go there I see a pattern of china some relative had when I was a kid.
And the food, whew, it's wonderful. Those little tea sandwiches are the best. Along with warm homemade scones, your favorite tea, soup, desert. A real deal and a fun time. We hope everyone mingles and has the best fun ever. Now that would make me happy. The Palm Beach post just listed our event in the Accent section. Gosh I hope a lot of people come and we raise the joint in laughter.
Love to see you there, please come!

Only the Irish are allowed to tell these jokes!

Irish Bagpiper As a young bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul. As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd never played before: From My Home and The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I never seen nothin' like that before--and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Colonoscopy, going to places never gone before.

My cousin, who has always been the one with the craziest and funniest, sense of humor in the whole family, sent me this. We have all faced this test or will at some point in our lives. This post is just to make you laugh. But, I am going to have to make that appointment myself and the part about being asleep for the test itself, makes me feel better. So thanks Dave for the story and being my best friend as a kid. Even if you did get me into trouble all the time.

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. ABOUT THE WRITER Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.' 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' And the best one of all: 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

When All You Can Do Is Laugh!

I was sitting here trying to think about what to post on my blog. It's always the same old stuff.
We all have so many things on our minds. I have the worry gene inherited from my mother. No matter
what I will worry about it. I think it would be good to stop and chuckle a bit.
So today I want you to laugh. Maybe this might help


GOOD

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
This is too good not to forward.

BETTER

It was an ID ten T error

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year Old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to Come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error Before?'' No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it Out.' So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T I used to like the little shit.

BEST

NOTHING HAS CHANGED

Absolutely profound. (Humor based on truth)

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.

-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress.
-- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson

The book signing at The Serenity Tea House in West Palm Beach, FL

We have made the flyers and have a poster up in the tea house. I am getting excited about this. Five other authors and myself, will be hosting it. I am so sure it will be so cool. The tea cups, the tea, Ha!, the good food, the great ambiance, all add to the tea experience. I won't say too much about the food, other than, it's wonderful. I have been there a number of times, and have never been disappointed.

I know that it will go by so fast, just like all good experiences do. We plan them forever it seems, and zing, they're over. But, thank heavens for photos, and a good memory. That I will have friends to share it with, just makes it all that much better.

This is gonna be fun. I wish a lot of other people I know could come. I have to call in my reservation too!

www.serenitygardentea.com Take a look

Multiple Author Book Signing Event
April 4, 2009 11:30 am-2:30 pm
The Serenity Garden Tea House
316 Valette Way, West Palm Beach, Florida


Mary Ricksen, Time Travel Romance
www.maryricksen.com

Patrice Wilton, Contemporary Romance
www.patricewilton.com

Jianne Carlo, Suspenseful Spicy Romance
www.jiannecarlo.com

Traci Hall, Young Adult/Paranormal Romance
www.tracihall.com

Mona Risk, Contemporary Romance in Exotic Settings
www.monarisk.com

Dayana Knight, Paranormal/Erotic Romance
www.dayanaknight.blogspot.com

For Reservation call 561-655-3911 (Max. 50 $22.45/guest Visa/Master Card

Serenity Garden Tea House Author Signing in West Palm Beach

On Saturday April 4th, six local authors, Jianne Carlo, Traci Hall, Dayana Knight, Mona Risk, Patrice Wilton and Mary Ricksen, will be hosting a full afternoon high tea at the Serenity Garden Tea House, at 316 Vallette Way, in West Palm Beach, Florida, 561-655-3911. Check the web site for directions and information about the place; www.serenitygardentea.com.

The authors write romance; contemporary, young adult, paranormal, erotic suspense, and even time travel. The authors will be available to answer questions about writing, to make suggestions, have a raffle, and sign books. We encourage mingling.
The tea house is an amazing place. Kind of shabby sheik, when you look around, you can surely find your grandmother or your mothers china. The food is fabulous, there are teas I have never heard of in my life. And the scones, they're killer.
To ensure you will be able to participate in "High Tea" you will have to make a reservation. More to follow.