Thursday, July 30, 2009

Time for a new post. Note- Laughter here again!

I love the jokes my cousin Dave sends me. He always made me laugh.

Just try reading this without laughing...

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun.......
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on
your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
The face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best.. .?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say,
'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst
just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of
smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

Ain't that JUST LIKE A MAN. Ha!

14 comments:

  1. OMIGOD, MARY!!! thank you for that. I can't stop laughing!

    You've made my day!

    As well reinforced my opinion of men:)


    Dayana~

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  2. I thought it was pretty funny myself.

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  3. Just catching up. I wish I would have seen this on Friday. I needed the laugh.

    keep them coming

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  4. Oh Mary! Is this for real? I laughed until I cried Poor Sap!

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  5. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face, and the dog just came in to see why I'm making these hysterical choking sounds.

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  6. Hi Mary,

    Nice to *meet* you. I'm seeking out other TT authors and came across your book. I'll definitely check it out :)

    Only a guy would get a Taser for an anniversary gift anyway. Serves him right ;)

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  7. Christine ClemetsonAugust 2, 2009 at 5:26 PM

    Great post, Mary. LOL!

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  8. Glad you got a kick out of it Jennifer and Christine!
    L.A. Mitchell, Nice to meet you too!
    Time travel that's me. I'll see if I can find you on TWRP's list.

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  9. MEN! I am so glad I don't have a Y-chromosome. ROFLMAOOOOOOOO

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  10. Oh dear. Poor guy. So funny!! LOL

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  11. I don't know, seems reasonable. After all, before you go using a, er, weapon on someone else shouldn't you test it, make sure it works, now what it feels like? I must admit I did a similar thing with a shock collar and our electric fence although the results were not nearly as dramatic. Only seemed right that I should test them myself... Right? :)

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