Make 'em laugh!

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'. The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is.. A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ... Now give me back my dog. I needed a laugh. How about you. I will let you know how the signing went. Wish me luck!

Just Thinking

Yesterday I watched the news and saw a story about a young English family with two children.
They had both lost their jobs at Woolworth's and are about to lose their home.
Catie Curic hugged the woman and tried to comfort her by telling her things will get better. I pray they will.
The stagnant loss of our pride and livelihoods has made a hole in the heart of the entire world. Our failures became world failure. A few greedy people, a lot of stupidity, and arrogance, has driven our entire planet into a fugue that will take years to come out of. There is blame to go all around. But very little repentance of any kind. The road to hell is also paved.
I hope that family makes it. I hope we all make it. I wish for world peace. I...
I have no say in any of it. All I can do is cry with that English mom, who may end up homeless. Because we, allowed it to happen.
Let's all try to stop the wave that threatens to drown our world. Start at home with a bit of kindness, a helping hand, a little Ward Clever would help.

Please don't forget if you are in the area. Come to the Serenity Garden Tea House on Saturday, in West Palm Beach, Fl. Just to even say hello. Come have a pot of tea with us and laugh. That's what I want to do.

Book Signing

Well I am back to promoting my book signing. Myself and five other authors are hosting it at The Serenity Garden Tea House in West Palm Beach Florida.
This place is so cool. Even if you don't give a darn about the books, it's such a fun thing to have high tea. Every time I go there I see a pattern of china some relative had when I was a kid.
And the food, whew, it's wonderful. Those little tea sandwiches are the best. Along with warm homemade scones, your favorite tea, soup, desert. A real deal and a fun time. We hope everyone mingles and has the best fun ever. Now that would make me happy. The Palm Beach post just listed our event in the Accent section. Gosh I hope a lot of people come and we raise the joint in laughter.
Love to see you there, please come!

Only the Irish are allowed to tell these jokes!

Irish Bagpiper As a young bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul. As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd never played before: From My Home and The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I never seen nothin' like that before--and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Colonoscopy, going to places never gone before.

My cousin, who has always been the one with the craziest and funniest, sense of humor in the whole family, sent me this. We have all faced this test or will at some point in our lives. This post is just to make you laugh. But, I am going to have to make that appointment myself and the part about being asleep for the test itself, makes me feel better. So thanks Dave for the story and being my best friend as a kid. Even if you did get me into trouble all the time.

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. ABOUT THE WRITER Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.' 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' And the best one of all: 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

When All You Can Do Is Laugh!

I was sitting here trying to think about what to post on my blog. It's always the same old stuff.
We all have so many things on our minds. I have the worry gene inherited from my mother. No matter
what I will worry about it. I think it would be good to stop and chuckle a bit.
So today I want you to laugh. Maybe this might help


GOOD

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
This is too good not to forward.

BETTER

It was an ID ten T error

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year Old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to Come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error Before?'' No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it Out.' So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T I used to like the little shit.

BEST

NOTHING HAS CHANGED

Absolutely profound. (Humor based on truth)

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.

-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress.
-- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson

The book signing at The Serenity Tea House in West Palm Beach, FL

We have made the flyers and have a poster up in the tea house. I am getting excited about this. Five other authors and myself, will be hosting it. I am so sure it will be so cool. The tea cups, the tea, Ha!, the good food, the great ambiance, all add to the tea experience. I won't say too much about the food, other than, it's wonderful. I have been there a number of times, and have never been disappointed.

I know that it will go by so fast, just like all good experiences do. We plan them forever it seems, and zing, they're over. But, thank heavens for photos, and a good memory. That I will have friends to share it with, just makes it all that much better.

This is gonna be fun. I wish a lot of other people I know could come. I have to call in my reservation too!

www.serenitygardentea.com Take a look

Multiple Author Book Signing Event
April 4, 2009 11:30 am-2:30 pm
The Serenity Garden Tea House
316 Valette Way, West Palm Beach, Florida


Mary Ricksen, Time Travel Romance
www.maryricksen.com

Patrice Wilton, Contemporary Romance
www.patricewilton.com

Jianne Carlo, Suspenseful Spicy Romance
www.jiannecarlo.com

Traci Hall, Young Adult/Paranormal Romance
www.tracihall.com

Mona Risk, Contemporary Romance in Exotic Settings
www.monarisk.com

Dayana Knight, Paranormal/Erotic Romance
www.dayanaknight.blogspot.com

For Reservation call 561-655-3911 (Max. 50 $22.45/guest Visa/Master Card

Serenity Garden Tea House Author Signing in West Palm Beach

On Saturday April 4th, six local authors, Jianne Carlo, Traci Hall, Dayana Knight, Mona Risk, Patrice Wilton and Mary Ricksen, will be hosting a full afternoon high tea at the Serenity Garden Tea House, at 316 Vallette Way, in West Palm Beach, Florida, 561-655-3911. Check the web site for directions and information about the place; www.serenitygardentea.com.

The authors write romance; contemporary, young adult, paranormal, erotic suspense, and even time travel. The authors will be available to answer questions about writing, to make suggestions, have a raffle, and sign books. We encourage mingling.
The tea house is an amazing place. Kind of shabby sheik, when you look around, you can surely find your grandmother or your mothers china. The food is fabulous, there are teas I have never heard of in my life. And the scones, they're killer.
To ensure you will be able to participate in "High Tea" you will have to make a reservation. More to follow.

I am Interviewing Heather Graham, Rhonda Pollero and Skhye Moncrief

I am a member of a wonderful blog called The Pink Fuzzy Slipper Writers. We blog about all kinds of things, and we have a wide variety of people with different opinions and strong ideals. We respect good writing when we see it.

So in that light I am telling everyone I have the privilege of interviewing three wonderful authors in the month of March.

On March 6th I have been fortunate enough to get THE New York Times Best Selling Author, Heather Graham to blog for us! Am I good or what!
We all know who she is and the list of books and honors would fill this page if I tried to put them all down on paper. She is the best of the best and her name will undoubtedly go down in the annals of romance history!
'The Runaway' convinced me agree to move to Florida, and the 'Seance', made me desperately want to be a part of a seance!


On March 13th, I will interview the up and coming author, Skhye Moncrief, who has publised seven books with the. . Skhye is a fellow author with The Wild Rose Press, my own publishing company. Where she is wll known and well loved. Her book, 'Haunted Hearts' exposes cults and 'He Of The Fiery Sword' is written in my favorite genre, time travel, a dragon in human form is sent back in time from the 61st Century. Cool!


On March 16th, I will interview THE USA Today Best Selling Author, Rhonda Pollero/Kelsey Roberts. Rhonda's acerbic wit drew me in and she makes me feel like I am with a down to earth regular person. Yet her class shines like a crystal chandelier. She is also the best of the best, and her books will also fill libraries till the end of time. From the Intrigue of 'His Only Son' which helped foster my love to read, to the to the hilarious Finley series, and 'Fat Chance', I got hooked. She cracks me up, Rhonda can write. Boy can she write!

PLEASE come to our blog at pinkfuqqyslipperwriters.blogspot.com, on 3/2, 3/13, and 3/16. (psst...I am trying to impress the others.)

I think if this is successful I will try to get other authors to blog for me. Are you with me?

Me and Ellen

A few years ago I had osteomyelitis, which is an infection of the bone. For a couple of months my hand hurt. It started out slightly painful and got to the point where if I touched it, the pain was incredible. I really hate going to the doctors so I pretended it would go away. I guess I was able to stand it because I was taking pain medication for my herniated discs. And I didn't want any medical expenses I couldn't afford to pay.

Well, one day I woke to find my hand enormously swollen, and a harsh red area on the inside of my upper wrist. My husband with his usual finesse, dubbed it my lobster claw. Well I was in the hospital for two weeks on massive doses of antibiotics. The pain was just incredible, nothing is worse than bone pain.

After that I had to go to the hospital every morning to get my antibiotics for over two months. I would go to Good Samaritan Hospital in West Palm Beach, every day including weekends.
On the weekdays I found myself in a large room, the same room that I had a PICC line installed in my arm. Ouch! Anyways, there were people there getting blood or platelet transfusions for cancer, and things like that done, as well as people like me. There were those there who had fatal diseases and suffered with fear and pain. A smile became a big thing for these people. It was, well, it was sad.

Now mind you I never watched Ellen before that. But because the TV was a community thing, I had to watch it. I found the show funny and engaging. But the very best part came, when Ellen danced.

Those who could hopped up out of their reclining chairs, including the nurses and aides. A sad and depressing place suddenly came alive. They were dancing around and laughing, and I couldn't believe it. For a few short minutes every day, they danced. They forgot for a moment, they forgot the pain, the fear and the unhappiness, and in that one moment Ellen became a star for me. Not for the comedy, but for the dancing. Can you believe it?

Toting IV poles and shuffling in slippers, rolling wheel chairs around, their pain was momentarily forgotten. A for just a while there was joy, pure joy, in a very sad place. It happened every day I was there. A little bit of momentary joy came into their lives. And for people facing death thats a good thing.

So I wrote to Ellen, and I invited her to come to the hospital and see. Well they never even answered me, they must get a million letters. But I'll bet Ellen would get a big kick out of the small gift she had given these people. A little fun for a few minutes. It would have to last some of them all day. But for them, they were able to escape. And that's where I came to realize that Ellen was doing the same thing we do as writers. I like to think that we as authors are giving that same gift to others. She gave them an escape. A time to forget their problems and have fun. How cool is that?

Things That Make Me Smile

Little old ladies who smile. They are very special.
Little old men who hold the hands of their long time spouse the little old lady.
Hyacinths and Lilac bushes, blooming in the spring. The feeling you get when you
watch the spring thaw. Huge mountains in the distance. Clear lakes, and bubbling brooks are so cool. Puppies and kittens, such sweet love. Fresh cut roses fill the air with perfume.
People who take the time to say kind words. Sappy love tale movies, old ones and new ones.
Soft baby bunny rabbits are sweet.
Honest people, people who are not self centered, they think of others.
I love people who make an effort to make someone else feel comfortable, welcome or loved.
Friends, old friends, new friends all types of friends.
Gentle people, people who smile and share smiles with others.
Babies, other peoples sweet babies, they smell so fresh and alive.
I like when someone lets me in front when I am trying to change car lanes. I like when a man opens my door, (yeah, I know, I still do). i like movies like Braveheart. Hugs and more hugs.
Lobster, lots of lobster. A good book review, even just one, gosh I'd like that, (yup). Reading, I love to read. I like Lost and Heroes and I have no idea why I like heroes, I like Lost because I like Sawyer, the brooding bad boy at his best. I love my mom, she is a good person. I love my brothers and sisters, so I like that. My dog, my big black baby boy doggie. People who ask how I am and then wait for the answer, that's really great, and really rarely done. People who keep their promises are very special.

So what are a few the things that make you smile?

Pet Peeves-Got Any?

Pet Peeves-Got Any?

People are different, each of us has something unique about us that makes us special. Today I watched a customer at a deli counter, be rude to the girl waiting on her behind it. Now as far as I am concerned, I wouldn't irritate the person who was currently handling my food. So then I started to think about my pet peeves. I don't know as I have more than anyone else does, but they seem to bother me.

First, I hate rude people. Like the customer at the deli counter talking down to her server. I always try to be nice. Then they offer me a taste.

I don't like lies. I personally always got caught, because I couldn't remember I lied. It isn't true so it doesn't stay in my head. I don't like it, I'd rather hear the truth than a lie, it doesn't work. And when someone lies to me and I catch them, I don't trust them anymore.

I don't like grouchy people. You know the ones who have road rage, or just act snotty. They are apt to be lonely.

Rude gestures, that finger should break buddy. Smile it shocks them.

People who run over others. Slow down, you'll only get there five minutes before me, and you will probably still have to wait. I mean literally too. Don't walk over someone to get where you want to go. It will come back to you.

Don't be late though. It's rude.(See above)

Stealing, give me back my change, if you deserve a tip, I'll give you one. Ever go to lunch and everyone leaves their money on the table. But the amount left is always short, and you end up stuck with the bill. You know who you are, it's stealing.
(Stealing includes taking anything that is not yours without permission)

Impolite men, open the darn door for me. I deserve the respect. Women love a guy who is a gentlemen, smells good and treats them right. Nice pecs help too.

Cursing, it makes a person look stupid and low life. I remember years ago I used the bad one and it was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Well there never is a right time. But I was embarrassed when it came out. So I have been careful ever since.

So tell me people, what are your pet peeves, let's see what anyone else comes up with.

Next blog, I'll tell you what I like. Like my cousin who makes me laugh.
I got a list of that stuff too!

What to do when you get a bad review.

Yesterday I got my first review on my recently released book, 'Tripping Through Time'. You all know how it is. You work hard on a book, sometimes for years. And you do the best you can, learning all the way in the process. Your heart is in your work. It means so much to you.

And then somebody trashes you in your first review.

I don't know about the rest of you, but my parents always taught me that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. And there is something wrong when a reviewer ignores that unspoken consideration, when she does a review. Especially when they have not published a book yet, and knows how hard it is and how important it is to you.

Well the first thing I did was to cry hysterically for about twenty four hours. And if I think about it I could still cry. Now I know I am sensitive and need to toughen up, but come on. Then I read the many kind comments people have made to me to make me feel better. They did. Even Christina Dodd got terrible reviews for a book that has been a best seller for years, my critique partner told me. Just ignore it. Well I'm a tryin'.

I know that different people have different tastes. I have read a lot of books I didn't go crazy over. But I would never, ever, trash someone. I have a heart.

Now I'll be honest I uttered a lot of expletives over the the last twenty four hours, toward the person who wrote the review. But only in front of my husband. I also sent out vibes. But all of that is a waste of time.

I decided I am gonna listen to the comments from other writers that are positive. And to give a lot of those comments right back to them. Because I always thought that was what it was about. Writers supporting writers. That's what I choose to do after getting a bad review. I have been told by several others that it's not about what people nay say, it's about sales. And for the whole month of January, I have been the number one best paranormal book sales writer, for the fabulous Wild Rose Press.

That's what I will focus on, while I kick that niggling review right out of my mind every time it try's to get in there. While I thank God for the many wonderful and hugely talented writers, who have been so supportive of me. Thanks guys I love you.

The American Embassy in Ottawa, Canada

In my last year of high school my father was stationed in Canada as an Immigration Attache'. The American Embassy where he worked, was located across the street from the Parliament building, in downtown Ottawa. I remember it was a beautiful building, and every day they would have a changing of the guard ceremony. Dark horses, tails braided, hoofs painted black, pranced as excitement passed from one to the other throughout the performance.

The Canadian guardsmen dressed in kilts and plumed hats, were so young and handsome, that as a sixteen year old I was impressed. Toward the very end of it, the horses started to dance and caper, their excitation. They loved to run and they knew what was coming. And then for the finale they galloped at full speed from one end of the field to the other. An awe inspiring sight that you could see from the Embassy windows. Very cool.

My father was the perfect diplomat, he could talk anybody into anything. I once watched him take a five year old broken disposal all unit back to the store and he came home from the store with a free new one. It had to be the perfect job for him.

I met then president, Lyndon B. Johnson, and vice president, Hubert Humphrey, at the American Embassy. The vice-president tried to pick up my youngest brother. He was very cute, but chubby. He couldn't lift him.

A most thrilling day for me was the day I brought my high school class there. I was a senior at Hillcrest High School. The ambassador, Mr. Butterworth, came out and addressed my class, and suddenly I became a bit more popular. Go figure.

What I remember the most was my father dressed up in a suit and tie, always impeccably. He was very handsome, with dark hair and eyes, and he always wore after shave. He showed the class all around the very extravagant Embassy. As we stood by the front entrance we listened to him talk, just before we left. I looked down and saw that we all stood on a huge rug that had the American Eagle, and tons of stars and stripes on it, very patriotic and very American.

I never felt so proud of my father or my country as that very moment. He was a diplomat and he loved his job.

Scenes from Vermont childhood

After my book was released on the first, I heard from a special close friend who I patterned a character in my book after. She reminded me of these two events

It must have been 1968 when we were on vacation in Vermont. Lake Champlain is one of the most beautiful places in the world. The VonTrapp family didn't go to Vermont for nothing. From Mount Mansfield, to Keeler's bay on the lake, there is nothing to compare to the scenery and the ambiance.

In the fifties and sixties there were lots of little gift shops everywhere. My mother and grandmother collected Fenton ware and tea cups galore. You know the kind of stuff they are calling shabby sheik and selling for a fortune to us boomers. It decorates tea rooms and little cafes. And we are buying it, it brings back memories, and it really is nice stuff.

Anyways, my whole family was there and my parents had allowed me to bring along my best friend Betsy from Canada. We had such a good time, water skiing in water so cold I wouldn't put my toe in it now. But to the young it is still a great lake for swimming, boating, fishing, you name it.

Well one night the whole family and several relatives were at camp and it was dark out. One of those nights on which you can see the milky way. And everyone started screaming, "there's a UFO outside right overhead." A massive scramble of people from the beach, the camp, out front sitting on the porch, or just anywhere, streamed out to the front lawn to get a glimpse.

They were all oohing and aahing. "Look at the lights, Oh my God, they might land." A myriad of yelling people massed a little closer together, and got quiet. And then it was gone, just like that. It was a huge ship in everyone's mind and to this day I have no idea what it was. And to this day I am pissed that I wasn't wearing my glasses and couldn't see a damn thing. I hated the way I looked in those horrible black foggles my parents had picked out. So I missed it.

The next day my friend and I decided to go for a rowboat ride. We hopped in the boat and started to leave. Then I heard it from my dad, "take your sisters with you." Just great, they wanted to be wherever I was and I wanted to have a little time to myself. So the two brats jumped in wobbling the boat horrible. And if I am not wrong, my other sister wanted in too.

So Betsy and I started to row, and we got quite a ways from shore. We might have tried to fish, I just don't remember. But after awhile in the hot sun, with no water, we decided to head back in. So we started to row, and row, and row, but we still drifted further from shore. Just then my parents and uncles and aunts drove by in a speedboat waving as they left. We started screaming for help, but I guess they thought we were waving and couldn't hear us over the motor.

I don't have to tell you what kind of mood we were all in when the cruiser's drove back by an hour or so later. They towed us in. To this day I have never set foot in a rowboat since and I never will.

Ah childhood how did we survive it?

Tripping Through Time Is Number One

My first published book, Tripping Through Time, that was released in ebook format today, is as I write the number one best seller of the paranormal romance Faery line at my publisher, The Wild Rose Press. It is also the number two best seller of all books today. I don't know what that means, but it sure feels good!

I knew I could do something! I just knew it. And I love to write, I always have. I should have thought of trying sooner. But I'm mighty glad I did it now.

Buy my book at The Wild Rose Press, I think you will like it.

"Tripping Through Time" First Novel released.

Tomorrow January 2nd, 2009, is the day my first book is released in digital format.
On March 27th, it will be in print. It's a time travel romance novel, published by The Wild Rose Press

A young girl, with emotional scars, finds a Celtic ring in the waters of Lake Champlain. this ring transports her back one hundred years in time to the year 1969. Keealyn McCalley finds herself, two wonderful children to love, a new home and through all of her trials, the love of a great man. Keealyn leans that love is truly timeless.

This book is proof that I was here. It gives me the first of a lot of firsts. First book, first published author in my family, first notable accomplishment. Well you get it right? I am proud of myself. I have a talent, I wish I could have figured it out years ago, but let that be. I am here now.
I used whatever came to my head. This story was inside of me trying to get out. And I let it out. In doing so I became an author. Not just someone who writes, but I am a published author. I am so proud of that, it is my greatest accomplishment. And it will always be mine, no one can take it away. I did it!

There is something about this that will stay with me for the rest of my life. Someday, someone will pick up my book, years from now, and say I was.
That I was a person who tried to live a good life, who tried and finally found her one talent, and decided to try to use it. And that this person, had an imagination, and people liked to read her stories.

I remember Christmas eve

I came from a fairly large family. There were six of us kids, two boys and four girls.
We moved a lot because of my father's job, but we spent a lot of time living in Vermont. I remember one Christmas eve, very late a night, I was looking out the window at the pristine snow. The street lights sort of made everything glow like a fairyland. The many shaped crystals fell gently to dust the already foot of snow on the ground. I got a feeling, it's hard to describe. Amazement, wonder, the beauty of it touched my heart. Someone special had made a fairy land and I was there to see it.
I'd done the same thing dozens of times on Christmas eve. That special quiet time would always come to mind when I think of Christmas. It's a special gift, something so beautiful it always brings tears to my eyes.
Late at night, everyone else was asleep but me. I touched my finger to the ice on the window and blew on it to make a fog. Then I drew a star on the window, it faded rapidly.
Then inside the star I saw something just a bit odd. There was a figure walking down the covered streets. It was a large bulky figure covered from head to toe to keep warm. I knew it was a man, it had to be. He carried a large bag over his shoulder, and no he didn't look like Santa. From the bay window in the front of the house I knew I could see better. So I quietly walked to the living room and pressed myself against the window. At first I couldn't see him well, the swirling windblown snow dimmed my view. Eventually he walked past the front of my house and I got a better look.
Suddenly he looked up and saw me. I was scared at first, and then he gave me a little wave and stopped. He lowered his bag to the ground and just stood there looking at me, cocking his head to the side as if he was thinking. Then he reached into the bag and lifted something out. He laid it on the soft snow and gestured to tell me it was mine. Now my parents had always told us to beware of strangers so I was a little scared to go out there alone. After a few minutes he picked up his bag, gave me a wave and shook as if he was laughing. Then he continued on down the street. I didn't see him stop anywhere else. He just walked down the road and I watched until the darkness and snow obliterated him from my view.
Immediately I ran to my room and woke my younger sister JoAnn. It took a minute to clue the dingbat in. But when she woke up enough to understand, she ran to the front window with me to look. We could see something in the snow, it was a bag and it was moving slightly. I told my sister to stay in the window and watch me, while I ran out in my nightgown and bare feet in the snow, to see what it could be. Gosh it was cold on my feet, but I can't say as it bothered me much. I was too interested in what was in the bag. I grabbed the string of the bag and made it back into the house in record time.
JoAnn was at the front door when I came back in. We were both so scared and excited we could hardly contain ourselves. My sister opened the bag so quickly I got a bit annoyed. I found it, I should have opened it. But that was all forgotten as she pulled a furry bundle from the bag. It was a kitten, small, mewing, warm and alive. I don't think I have ever been so amazed, because our mom and dad had just told us we were going to look for a pet cat. The calico furry kitten immediately began to purr as I held it close.
We must have made enough noise to wake my mother because she walked up to us and asked if we were okay? JoAnn tried to hide the kitten, but somehow I knew it would be okay with my mother. So I held it out to her and she took it. She brought it to her nose to smell the clean scent of a baby cat. I think God must make baby things smell good so that our hearts are drawn to them. Ever smell a human newborn baby, it's pure heaven. My mother is such a kind and loving soul, and to watch her hug the kitten, touched a place deep inside me.
Finally she asked where I got it and I told her. She laughed and then asked where I really got it. I had to swear to her and my mother still looked at me with the, yeah right look. It was when she said we could keep it that the tears leaked from the corners of my eyes. You have to take care of it she told me. And I agreed, while my sister giggled her happiness. It was so odd that my mom had just told us we could get a cat, and viola a kitten. I have to admit it was a weird way to get a cat and God only knows who the man with the sack was. I thought he was an angel, my sister Jo'ann went for the, it had to be one of Santa's elves.
We had that special cat for fifteen years, she was smart, handsome and most of all lovable and gentle. No matter what my baby brother did to her she just laid there. The best cat we ever had.
So now I had the picture perfect snow scene, and a miracle to remember. Every Christmas it will mesmerize me with the memory of that kitten for the rest of my life.
I never told anyone because it scared me a little, but how did that man know we were going to get a kitten, and who the heck was he? The really strange thing was that when I looked behind him as I watched the man walk away. There were no footsteps in the trail he walked, none.
So we named her Jeepers, as in jeepers creepers, cause it was so weird how we got her. She was the best cat we ever had, equally loved by us all.

Then imagine looking at a living room filled with toys and gifts for six kids. And little miracle of life to love on top of the pile. Merry Christmas to you and may you find your kitten in the snow.

Happy Holidays!

So it's that time of year again. The time when we scrape and charge to buy gifts. We push our way through the crowds at the stores, hoping to find that special gift. That gift that will please the recipient and make all your efforts worthwhile.
So I'm gonna tell you a funny story, and it still makes me laugh till this day.
We all know that there are those relatives through marriage who we are not very close too. I have a sister in law that's like the ice queen.
Anyways, it was Christmas day at my in laws. They were strange people as it was, at least to me. We were discussing the worst gifts that you had ever received. I mentioned how I think that the worst give you could give to a woman is Jean Nate, and a man, old spice. It shows how little you care for them. How you only bought the gift because you had to, buying those cheap perfumes was an insult! My husband agreed with me, and so did most of the room.
Guess what we both opened from the ice queen? Yep! Well I thought it was so funny I couldn't stop laughing. And to this day, I will never forget the look on her face.

Now we'll talk about the opposite kind of gift. When the giver has taken the time to look for that special gift. Or maybe they made you a gift that took time and effort because they couldn't afford to buy something. Well there was this one Christmas that I got a gift I will never forget. My friend was having marital problems and was separated from her husband. She was lucky if she could afford the mortgage. Not a lot of people know my birthday is on Christmas day. But this was my best friend and she would never forget. I told her we shouldn't exchange gifts, neither of us could afford to. But that wouldn't stop her.
She could sing, I mean like really well. It was 12:01am in the morning on Christmas eve, (we lived next door to each other then), and I heard music, soft pretty music, coming in my open window. In Florida we open windows in the winter. So anyways I get up and go to the front door, open it a crack and peak outside. There she was dressed in her nightgown and robe on my front lawn. She was holding a cassette tape recorder from which came my favorite song at the time, Our Prayer. She began to softly sing the words and as the tears came down my face I noticed my other neighbors. One by one the doors opened and people stood there listening. By this time I'm blubbering for all I'm worth. And when she finished and stood there it was quiet for a moment. Then one by one at each door the applause began. There were a few whistles along with the clapping. And she whispered just loud enough for me to hear, "Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas my friend."
Now if that isn't the best present ever, I don't know what is.
Have a great holiday, and may you hear music on your birthday too, just like I did.